Why is he leading her away from the St. Joseph's Catholic Church? I heard they have brownies!

Why is he leading her away from the St. Joseph's Catholic Church?  I heard they have brownies!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Week 7 Lines

Here they are kids, adjust your bets accordingly.

Tuesday (mine)                                              Over/Under

Ball Tap Room +3 at Refugees                          30
FAMtech  at Zoo+7                                            31
PnP +6 at Fart Museum                                      19

Tuesday (Nick)

Ball Tap Room +1  at Refugees                          23
FAMtech at Zoo+3                                             25
PnP +8 at Fart Museum                                      30

Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Salty Vegetable

AKA: Benedict Pickle
Team:  Who the fuck knows, Constipickle Center?
CCSL origin story:  Grew up a poor cucumber till one day, walking home from school, he slipped and fell into a bucket of salt, vinegar, and disappointment
Claim to fame:  Won the pool on this blog
Last big win:  n.a.
Next big win:  16-5 over Franklin
Catch phrase:  I matter!
Favorite movie: Babe: Pig in the City
Real Name:  Brian something
Finish the madlib:  Pickle is  _________ (adj,) than ________(#) _________(farm animal) using their _____________(fornication noun) to _______(v) their ____________ __________________ ___________ (something perverted involving fruitloops, paint thinner and a used diaper)
Favorite CCSL player:  Pat
Number of other people who know who he is:  3, his mom, his parole officer, and "Rico" at the Cave
Occupation:  Bill Nye's stunt double
True or False:  Pickle has The Blogfather's autograph, True
Best Idea for a screenplay:  James Bond saves the day but then doesn't sleep with the girl. Instead, he takes her out to dinner then leaves early because he has a head cold.  The rest of the movie is Bond watching the movie Without A Paddle
Date of pickling:  summer, dickety 6
Best friend:  old lefty
Postition:  Pitcher
True or False:  Pickle once went to lunch with Steve Jobs, True, but not the computer guy.  This Steve cleans up the aisles in the movie theater
Tina injury likelihood factor:  11
Career CCSL hits:  4, but only cause that fucker Nick wouldn't play him
Arch rival:  Buddy
CCSL all star main event:  Buddy v Pickle in a no-holds barred one man chicken fight
If he could be anyone else:  Bella from Twilight

How'd he get his nickname:  ask Mickey, something about being a shovel taster or something dumb

Friday, May 25, 2012

Lucky there's a FAMbly team



Sorry for the posting delay, kids, but these things happen when you’re the premier CCSL blogger and you have to deal with media, advertising, and other marketing responsibilities.  But let’s get to it.  It was a busy CCSL week and I’ve got a lot of people to make fun of.  So let’s get cracking.
First, our game.  What can I say about our 14-4 win over the potato FAMines.  We played 3 girls (each of whom had a hit, including Tap Room Casey’s first in the Refugee blue).  Scored 4 in the first to tie the game 4-4 after Matty Matty did not read the ball well on a pop fly.  In trying to make an appropriate reading comparison I would like to render some suggestions and we’ll see which is best.  Matty read that ball like Buddy trying to read Dickens.  Matty got such a good read on that ball that Pennsylvania lost $75000 in Federal literacy funding.  Matty got a worse jump than Mickey reading Goosebumps….I think I’ll stop there.
Nick started the scoring off in the 1st inning by singling right through Tina on the mound.  He would have absolutely drilled her had it not simply gone through her ectoplasm.  If she had opted for the typical white sheet and chains, she might have been able to knock it down and make a play.  We scored 6 more in the 3rd and it was pretty much academic from that point on.  Nikki continued her 2 game injury-free streak by not playing and by staring daggers at Ray wherever he was.  Joe G showed up thanks to a work visa and played well despite cutting grass all day. Skinner and Danielle all played well…this was easier when I had the book.  Aside from Matty’s missed ball which led to 3 runs in the 1st, the FAMtastic fourteen never really got anything going.  Which is Refugee tradition for a 5-0 team.  Boom.

Ralph Kiner’s Game Notes
·      Mickey again screwed his team by not showing up for his 8-6 loss to the Zoo.  I don’t believe in Jebus but if I did, I’d think that he hates the Franklin Institute
·      Nick learned how to use the group text function on his “smart phone”
·      Ryan Reynolds is way more masturbateable than Keira Knightley
·      The Darkness has knee ovaries
·      Ed gets mean when he goes to Catahoula
·      I love LOVE Silent Hill
·      Pickle is a salty vegetable….going through puberty
·      Phyllis’s nipples are crabtastic!
·      Verne Siebert was nominated to the Fishtown all star team….so, of course, he’s now Dr.Benson
·      Where is my pink bat, Camel????
·      Donny Money is the best 70s porn star that I know
·      The Blogfather hates covering NBA playoff basketball almost as much as we all hate watching it
·      It’s 10 o’clock on Friday night, right now, so Ray is asleep, dreaming of hitting balls at female pitchers
·      And Frank is dreaming of cheap whiskey following by unmotivated cat-hating
·      Kyle is dreaming of racism
·      Pam is dreaming of texting everyone else
·      Gabor is dreaming of whatever Pam is dreaming of
·      Dr. Benson is dreaming of Matty
·      I’m dreaming of singing this Snow Patrol song some more 

Quotes from the Week
“I’m in the basement with a young Polish boy.”
La Nice

“Just say yes. Just say there’s nothing holding you back.”
Snow Patrol, yup, told you

“Okay, I will break in and leave it on the table, haha, my man.”
Lynch, about his urinalysis

“Phyllis Demon has bombs.”
Blogfather

“Yo, you should have bet on this, yo, it was closer than you thought!”
Joey Fleishshoes

“I peed on my ex once in the shower. She didn’t appreciate it.”
Darkness

“Look at Raymond, isn’t he a frostman’s age?”
Shut the fuck up Kyle, nobody reads Shakespeare

“You chose…poorly.”
Crusade Knight to Tina

“Loving you is easy cause you’re beautiful.”
John Stamos’ younger brother

“My cousin is way better than me……too bad he spends every Tuesday night dressed up like Diana Ross and entertains the fleet.”
TJ

“My labia is inflamed.”
Rice

“she made me crap somewhere.”
Ed, about his wet nurse

“I had a good read on that.”
No you didn’t, Matty

“Stop playing in foul territory Pete!”
Me, 2006

"Thanks for kicking our ass in '69!"
Pete to Johanna

"Giggity!"
Quagmire


"Ray is the Stalin of my wrist...uh....Russians."
Nikki


"Are the pools, eh, clean, senor?"
You know who


"And you lived your life, like a candle in the wind."
Ed to Carolyn, post-race


"fuck you Mickey!  that could have been 1!"
Buddy, Candy, throw a Franklin rock


"Still Pow!"
Still Phyllis boobs


"Anybody wanna go see the Everly Brothers at Silk City this Monday afternoon?"
Gabor

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Zoo Recap


Well, kids, we nearly pissed it away (similar to my picture on another blog).  But in the end, we prevailed over the Zoo on a refurbished Dairy 2 by a final score of 14-9 I think.  Again, don’t have the book in front of me since Tim takes it home every week to give himself a scorebook enema (also known as the Widowmaker).  
  
We scored 9 runs in the 1st.  My gimpy back removed me from the lineup after once through so that “Too Drunk to Stand” Dermowitz would stop pouting and start swinging and missing.  9 runs in the first, lots of hard hit singles that nearly killed their pitcher and certainly would have destroyed a Fleisher pitcher (too soon?).  But everyone was fine.  TJ Cousins made his Refugee debut in vintage Franklin form….couple of nice hits followed by a couple of terrible throws.  In his defense, I’m not sure there was a throw that Derm could have caught yesterday but I’m positive that those weren’t them.  Those weren’t they?  Them wasn’t these?  Jesus!  Just Flynn’d up my grammar here.   
Moving on, Memorial Nick went 2-3 or something to remain in 2nd place on the Refugee batting as I hit a sac fly to remain where I am….at the top.  Normally this sort of self promotion would not be included in this blog, but since it annoys Nick that he’s second I’ll allow it. 

Danielle and rookie Tap Room Traitor Casey (Traitcy) played well, although I think Traitcy went 0-3 and would like to use her Refugee mulligan for the game.  Too bad.  Take some laps and don’t’ worry about it too much.  We’re not the Tap Room.  You won’t be cut or told to spend the night in the Ogre’s van.  Unless you want to.  In which case, let us know so we can get another girl for next Tuesday.   

Verne fell in love with Matty and it was cute to see.  Hanging on his every word, getting that twinkle in his eye when matty smiled at him.  It’s the way Vellia used to feel about anyone who talked to him.  It’s the Pam’s dog used to feel about running in circles.  The way buddy’s hair felt before it starting falling into the sink when he was 9.  The way Phyllis’s boobs crackle in the South Jersey beach sun.  The way Nevins gets ¾ just thinking about the last sentence.  Yeah.  Verne had that feeling last night.
Also Buddy’s dad has shown up to more of our games this year than C Marino.  Nice to have fans.  Where’s Ali again?
Around the league, Frank likes Die Hard, Ray broke Nikki’s hand on a liner back up the middle.  Bad Ray!  Rice is a dingleberry, and Pickle gets very bored.  Now you’re caught up.  2 games this week and my over/unders were off by a combined 3 runs.  Damn I’m good.  Lines could have been better but I’m pulling this sideways out of my cornhole so bear with me.
\
Ralph Kiner’s Game Notes

·       I didn’t have a hit breaking the streak of games since the last time I didn’t have a hit
·       Casey’s pressing too much after an 0-3 start
·       TJ Cousins has made a cardboard cutout of Derm to throw softballs at
·       Gonzo still hasn’t learned to charge the ball
·       Pete can’t “turn it off”
·       Tim swallows
·       The Blogfather, La Nice, Flynn, Buddy's Dad, and the Darkness gave us a nice little audience
·       Lynches are the best mid-game meal
·       Roxy drank a Lynch
·       Buddy’s dad loves us more than his son who he say he “would kill.”  Direct quote.
·       My intestines have not forgiven me for Taco Bell Sunday.  Yo Quiero colonic!
·       We wish Nikki a quick recovery.  Better start thawing Tina now for Tuesday
·       Adam takes the most obvious “get me out swing”
·       Matty Matty Matty
·       C Marino showed up/still awful to talk to
·       Derm has sobered up………………..now. 
·       Mickles texts me more now that he’s on another team
·       Ed was pissed he wasn’t in the 2 hole
·       Paul made a sleeveless diving catch with a hair flip and a GQ pose….or was it Parade Magazine…maybe it was for Out
·       Skinner had the flu which means lost big at the track
·       Andrea misses me
·       Whiskey Frank takes WAY too long to put up his posts

Quotes from the Week

“Dammit Ray!”

“Pow!  Haha, Pow.”
Phylly’s Boobs

“Hello Blogfather.”
“Hello Blogson.”

“Seriously, I don’t care about my batting average.”
Nick, lying

“I farted.”
Derm

"My tolerance for people is very high."
El Colach

“Crunch, crunch, crunch…..good spine.”
La Nice

“We didn’t have a game this week so I don’t need to pay attention to anyone else’s team.”
Nevins

“So, then, I just dropped her back off at her dorm and went to work.”
Nick

“Nick…seriously…I can pitch….i’m drunk that not much.”
Derm

"Give me yours, I can't get mine up!"
El Colach

“Get him the F____ out of there!”
Oberlin about Derm

"Mr Muhler!!!!"
Memorial Nick

"Fucker didn't tell me we there rained out.  I"m going to murder Buddy."
Buddy's Dad

"You can use my shovel and my bags of lye."
Kyle Jacobs

“At least we didn’t get Rayned out.”
Edventures

“Yo, I didn’t like the spotlight, haha.  It was wildly inaccurate, haha!”
Lynch

“Philadelphia has a Zoo?”
Gonzo

“I bought a jersey, didn’t pay for it, and don’t live in this state.”
Pell

“Where’s my ‘Will Drop Pants for Booze’ sign?  I can’t go to the street without it.”
Derm

"27 hours Mickey."
Blogson
“I miss the Pickle’s Historical Reference of the Week.”
 
Benedict Pickle
“Your blog sucks.  Frank’s blog has video…..and a ferris wheel.”
Darkness

“I gotta get more segments for this thing.”
Me

"That's a quadrangle of awesomeness."
El Colach

"I can't either have sex with you or you can watch me go to the lake to drink."
The Camel
“I don’t like my nickname.”
Traitsey

"I don't get quoted anymore."
Benson

"You all know me.  How do I NOT put this  picture on the blog?

Week 6 Lines


Week 6 Lines

Monday                                                                                  Over/Under
Art at Collar+3                                                                                     35       
(CCSL Game of the Week!)
Pickles+24 at Tap Room                                                                     31
Micklin Institute+5 at FAMbly Affair                                                     26

Tuesday
Pencils at Bad Touch +12                                                                   27
Micklin+10 at Zoo                                                                               28
Refugees at We Are FAMbly+17                                                        36

Monday, May 14, 2012

Yo, Haha!

Team: Pencils
Weight:  8 Marlboros, 5 of them 'bummed'
Favorite movie:  Lynches from the Mist
Girlfriend:  unknown
Live-in sugarmomma who insults people at his games:  Amy
Superhero origin story:  Born when a used Skoal cassette mated with dryer lint and had a child that they couldn't afford.  Fast forward 53 years.
How'd he end up on the Pencils:  Nevins could drive him
Catch phrase:  Ha ha my man!
Follow up phrase:  Yo!  let's get some rum!!!
Favorite show:  Rescue Me, seriously, I'm never gonna watch that fucking show so stop telling me about it.  Goddammit!
Favorite Ford quote:  "You're not as bad as Russ."
Claim to fame: Can be slid through a mail slot
Nickname:  The Zookeeper
Number of giraffes he gave herpes to:  5, including Whiskey Frank
Favorite recipe:  Cigarette A la Mode
              5 Cigarettes, preferably unfiltered
              2 Bottles rum
              mix liberally, sprinkle with racism
Worst day of his life:  When he caught "ick" from that slutty tuna
Name of the last girl Nick slept with:  "The slutty tuna"
Number of high fives I'll get after posting this:  8
Number that will be intentional:  Haha, my n________!
Refund on his 2011 Taxes:  Sucker, taxes are for citizens
Current Phyllis Peeing her pants gross factor:  2 Kyles
Haha v. Buddy in a Bald-off:    Buddy (lit cigarettes ignited his beard)
If he were a flavor of ice cream he'd be:  New York Cheese-caked with Semen
The S. Lynch:  1 oz Dr. Pepper, 5 oz Rum
Do you have a drink named after you? No? Then go ______ your n'loving _______ with a hookspoon
What's a hookspoon?  You'd have to go to juvie to know
Biggest dream in life:  To not die of scurvy
Favorite band:  The I Can Break Into Your House to Get My Keys Whenever I Want So You Should Move...........and the Pips
Picture on his license most resembles?:  Are you kidding, he can't drive



Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The Blonde Benson


Team:  Ball Tap
Origin Story:  Radioactive albino Norwegian Elkmoose bit him when he was out fjording
Relation to Benson:  Blonder
Number of Excel spreadsheets to date:   1.37 x 1012
Did he ever get that fruit punch? Unknown
Buddy hate factor:  6
 Months it took to sell the house:  273
Claim to fame?  Each team in the CCSL has acquired a bat utilizing his 827 page manifesto
Biggest fear:  ran out of T-squares or laser levels
Alter ego:  Anal Retentive, 3B
Body shot off of Phyllis?  No
Body shot off of Taproom Ogre?  Yes
Favorite Engineer:  Whoever made Elmer out of clay and hate
Height:   Blonde
Weight:  4 Al's
Nickname:  That guy who knows Pam
Favorite recipe:  homemade Chili
·       3.5 large tomatoes
·       2 lbs 87.5% fat free organic beef from the left-center  portion of the right butt flank
·       2 onions, sliced into 5 mm  sections
·       1 garlic, washed for 20 minutes in water (103°F)
·       Add ingredients, cook for 2.5 weeks at 76°F
·       Do P90X in basement during this time while looking at picture of Thomas Edison
Dead?  Haven't seen him since he flipped me off
Number of mourners at service:  4
Number that weren’t Nicole:  4
Size of casket:  8 cubits
Did Phyllis weep:  yes, softly
Will Hans have him exhumed and brought to Detroit:  when he sobers up
Number of people that will miss him:  17
Number that aren't Nordic or fans of Excel:  5
Vagina factor:  18 on the La Nice Crusty-Meter
Grossness of the last comment?  3 Kyles
 It's raining, I'm typing, haven't heard from Nick in a while, which M town is he currently not pleasuring a tranny in?   Morristown
Is Jeremy there?  Yes, passed out watching Matlock
Will I miss you Brian?  Absolutely
Are you still an assraping pedophile clown?  Most definitely