Rayned Out

We were Rayned out on Tuesday against the Bad Touch.  This game will be made up on July 3rd I'm told.  In the meantime, here's a poll.  I don't have time to do much else cause it's my bachelor party and I've got to put on my big boy drinking panties.

Week 9 Lines

Monday                                                                                  Over/Under

1. Angry Rays at Zoo+8                                                                          27

2. FAM ‘pines+7 at Collar                                                                        31

3. Slightly uncomfortable touch+3 at Fightin’ Pickles                              28

Tuesday

4. Tap Ron at Pencils+9                                                                          32

5. We Touch Ourselves+12 at Refugees                                                20

CCSL game of the week

6. Pickles at Mickles     Mick'em!                                                             26

Memorial Nick's Playtex Pics of the Week

1. Zoo to cover with the under
2. Collar to cover with the under
3. Bad Touch OUTRIGHT  with the over
4. Pencils with the points and the under
5. Touch with the points and the over
6. Pickles OUTRIGHT with the over

The Darkness's Wiccan Wheaties Pics of the Week

1. Zoo to cover with the under
2. Collar to cover with under
3. Bad Touch with the points with the over
4. Pencil with the points with the over
5. Refugees to cover and over
6. Mickles OUTRIGHT with the over

Nicks’ Week 8 results

Zoo covered but was under   0-1

Pencil with the points and the under  1-1

Refugees covered with a push on the line, 1-2

Tap Ron covered with the under  2-2

Pencil did not cover and was under  2-3

Nick was 2 and 3 on the week.  Picks to come later this weekend...

HOAGIEFEST 2012 has come and gone!

Wow, 2 days later and still no blogs about Hoagiefest.  Well, that’s unfair.  No “real” blogs about Hoagiefest.  Twatwer spewed out some gelatinous goo from some orifice but nobody even noticed.  Kinda like a Marino.  You never notice them until they’re turning fly balls to right into homeruns.  Just a lot of noise, sound and fury, signifying nothing.  Anyway, Hoagiefest was a rousing success!!!  And all thanks to the lovely Phyllis.  I will point out two things first, we had leftover hoagies (WTF!) even though Ron wolfed down 5 by himself.  And Phyllis changed the origin of the hoagies from one magical Shangri-la of hoagies to some place that confuses buffalo sauce with  that stuff that clings to your butt hairs when you haven’t showered for a couple of days.  Right Buddy?  How awful is that?  Seriously, Phyllis did a great job and everyone needs to high five her boobs when they see her.  Also punch La Nice in the berries and tell her “Kyle Jacobs says hello.”  That’ll be fun too. 

People stayed at the field till 6 in the morning.  And by people I mean Nick, Cousins, Soccer Meg, 4 homeless people including Rice, and 2 girls looking for El Colach.  He had left already.  Said he needed to “lose a kilo.”  Don’t know what that means.  I’ll have to ask Brett Favre when I see him again as he’s the only guy I know of in this league with a serious cocaine problem.  Whiskey Frank, El Colach, and Tucker v. Tuckerson decided that they wanted to go fire-pit jumping.  Two things.  Yes, Rice brought a fire pit and that should surprise NO ONE.  Second, who wants to jump a fire pit?  Well, jump to the side of the fire pit more like it.  As a hanger on to these festivities I do have to note that this was the Ryan Vellia of fire pit jumping.  Kinda short, should be more interesting that it is, can only be done in the dark.  Rum was drunk.  Whiskey was not drunk cause it was not brought.  Maureen didn’t talk to anyone.  Mickey remembered what it was like to have fun.  The Tap Room showed up even though they didn’t order any hoagies and still ate them.  They should be called the Tap Ron from now on.  Ford left at 9:30 cause he “had a big day tomorrow.”  Soccer Meg showed up in the 7^th from being a WMLS star.  Buddy was bearded and happy that he almost didn’t lose.  Pickle didn’t show up cause he’s still briny somewhere.  Derm embarrassed himself and others.  Cousins had his first big boy beer.  Some other dudes did stuff.  Elmer didn’t show up cause he had to return several of his “adopted” children to the cellar under the stairs before dark.  Willmarth showed up for his last act in this league.  Pam played in her game for some reason.  Chandra didn’t get injured by the fire pit.  Phyllis and La Nice did sweaty beer soaked firepit scissoring.  Darkness fell asleep in the car.  Robbie and Denise were Robbie and Denise.  Fineman was pissed cause he went 0-4 against us.  Abt showed up in time for hoagiefest but not to play.  Maureen still didn’t talk to anyone. And did I mention that Nick stayed at the field till 6 am?  I’ve never seen the sun rise on Dairy 2 before, but I imagine that it’s a sad, depressing evaluating all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life decision.  Morning Rice is the worst.

Apparently, we played a game before all that.  Well, the Refugees played a game, the Phyllisless Collar did something else.  Unsure why.  Probably because the Catahoula blue and blue is an intimidating sight.  Or because Phyllis didn’t play.  Or because Cousins turned a double play by himself, the bastard.  For whatever reason (Ford), the Collar was not there usual selves and the final was something like 19-8 with them scoring 5 in the 7^th to make it that close.  A sloppy game all around, but the Refugees hit the ball well and made fewer (exception me) errors than their counterparts.  I’m still impressed that Bizarkness caught my line drive in the 6^th but I’ll get over it.  No wait, I harp on bad luck in coed softball leagues but I’ll just take it out on Twatwer in the quotes.  Carolyn had no hits cause we shut her down after watching her burn the Pencil for a walk off win Monday night.  El Colach thought he could teach me a lesson by hitting a ball right at me.  Odd decision.  Fineman is still sandy.  Danielle and Tap Room Casey had some big hits again.  This is becoming an odd but reassuring trend.  Derm pitched like he was going to prison right after….very slowly with some crying.  Tim didn’t make as many errors as you’d think.  Matty made no errors for a change (Verne still has wood for him no matter what).  And Renardo is black.  That pretty much summed up the game.

Ralph Kiner’s End Game Notes

·         This is the Refugee’s first career win over the Bishop’s Collar

·         This breaks Phyllis’ consecutive game streak at 852

·         This continues the Darkness consecutive pass out before 10 streak at 12,583 days

·         Ford’s a lot less sandy with a hoagie in his hand

·         Nevins is too cool for this league

·         Cousins is the best second baseman ever, just ask him

·         I made it the entire night without pooping

·         Moira pooped 3 times

·         Benson was dreaming of playing baseball with people he actually likes

·         Rice was dreaming of not playing with Benson

·         Pell fled to Brazil to escape war crimes

·         Skinner lost 10 large at the track and had her arm broke

·         Kyle Jacobs sang show tunes at home while judo chopping his lifesize Ray cutout

·         Elmer smashed, then felt guilty, then pillaged a small Norweigian village as Wunderwiley

·         Fleishanna didn’t show up because she was “tearing ass in the ‘pines.”

·         Tina showed up but had to leave cause Lynch performed an exorcism

·         Russ was there but nobody could see him

·         Ray had a personal best, longest time around Darryl without an erection

·         Twatwer failed his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on his beard

·         I also set a personal best, getting the most CCSL’ers to groan in disgust by reading the previous bullet point

·         Maureen didn’t talk to anyone

·         I’d like to say Phyllis’ boobs were POW.  But they were not.  They were merely Bam!  I expect too much sometimes

·         La Nice fed on several squirrels she found foraging near the fire pit.  Their bones were later collected by Gabor to make a necklace

·         For some dumbass reason, we did not have one single hoagie fight

·         The Zoo showed up and……oh, right, they didn’t show up

·         Verne touched Matty lightly, in the darkness of forever

·         Twatwer failed his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on his beard….I brought it back.  Boom!

·         Joey Fleishshoes begged me not to include him in the recap.  So I won’t.  Even though he’s a butt raping clown gremlin

Quotes from the Week

“Soccer is the most fun you can have when you have nothing else to do and want to feel like when you first heard Matlock was going off the air.”

Soccer Meg

“I hate you Nick.”

Pam

“I heart you Nick.”

Nick

“I can lick my own taint.”

Twatwer

“You’re a lucky woman, Moira.”

Somebody to Moira about me, clearly without any sarcasm

“I am not a butt raping clown gremlin!”

“Sure are!”

“My hair is insane, I can double as a scrub brush or Tucker’s box.”

Mickey

“Everyone come to my concert tonight or I’ll separate my shoulder again.”

Spence

“Weather.com says there’s only a 10% chance I’ll piss my pants tonight.”

Flynn

“What do vaginas look like?”

McElhattan

“I hate my team.  We almost lost to a team with a guy named Chippy.”

Ford

“I think her boobs were POW!”

Ed

“Who wants a moustache ride?”

Collar Mikey

“I don’t do anything anymore now that I’ve been Made!”

Donny Money right before being shoved into a trunk

“I can’t make the game tonight.  Momma’s gotta go watch the ponies.”

Skinner

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Brennan,  yes you do, buddy, yes you do

“What’s a four-letter word for utter hopelessness and despair coated with crabs and face gonorrhea?”
“Nick.”

Twatwer and Buddy

“I’m going through the 6 stages of grief right now.”

“Don’t’ you mean 5?”

“No, I’ve been through anger and acceptance, right now I’m in Derm.”

Phyllis and Spence

“Who wants to see Marigold hotel with me this weekend?”

“Go F yourself, hippie!”

Somebody from the Art Museum talking to a normal person

“I hate losing to Benson.”

Ray

“This is TJ Cousins’ cousin.”

“Hi, I’m small.”

Self-explanatory

“Who wants to do a body shot off me?”

Phyllis, as is tradition

“I will!”

Donlen, somewhere

“Honkies be trippin’”

White Renardo

“Tim, that’s racist.”

Black marino

“I sure hope Excel works the same in Chicago.”

Willmarth

“Supernintendo Al and the Tap Ron.”

Me, just now

“Remember when I had two knees.”

“Sure, remember when you weren’t a douche?”

Darkness and Rice

“I’m freakin’ pale even at night.”

Rice

“I miss Ryan and Nick.  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  I have Buddy now.  (Sigh)”

Mickowitz

“I did a great job organizing hoagiefest.”

Social chair Andrea

Week 8 Lines

Monday                                                                                             Over/Under

1. FAMtastic Fourteen + 7 at the Angry Rays                                             23

2. Zoo at the Pickles +4                                                                              26

3. Pencils +6  at the Collar                                                                          31

Tuesday

(Hoagiefest Game of the Week!)

4. Collar +3 at the Refugees                                                                       27

5. Angry Rays+10  at the Ball Tap                                                              35

6. Winless Institute+16  at Pencils                                                              40

Memorial Nick’s Trojan Condoms Picks

1. Art to cover wiith the over

2. Zoo to cover with the over

3. Pencil with the points and the under

4. Collar with the points and the under

5. Tap to cover with the under

6. Pencil to cover with the over

 

Ball Recaproom

So we lost our first game of the year to our hate rivals, Supernintendo Al and the Ball Tap Room. 10-7. Weak.  Supernintendo Al wasn’t even there but he’s worth -5 runs so maybe that was by design.  I’d like to start off by saying that I initially thought the game was not an Official League Sanctioned Game since no one hit a ball over Nick’s head but then I realized that it was official because Pam egregiously blew a call at first base.  Happens every game, yet still surprised.  Funny.  Call didn’t affect the game in any way, I’m just surprised that I’m surprised.

And on to the game.  Refugees had nearly our entire team while the Ball Taps were missing Supernintendo Al, Massive Head Wound Aaron, and that thing that busts into Balin’s Tomb in the Mines of Moria and stabs Frodo with an orc spear.  We assume Cave Troll Benson couldn’t make the game cause Legolas shot him in the throat but it hasn’t been confirmed.  He may have just had 24 hour syphilis.  We gave up 6 runs in the top of the first which pretty much decided the game.  And tip your hate to them, they earned them.  6 runs, they batted around and had like 9 hits, not errors, hits.  Unfortunately.  But the Refugees rallied back in the bottom of the first by getting 1 hit and no runs.  That’s a momentum swing!  After that, though, things got interesting.  The Ball Taps only scored a scattered 4 more runs while the Refugees kept coming back and clinging to life.  Certainly not due to the first four hitters who accounted for like 3 of our 7 runs and less than half of our RBIs, but rather by the bottom of the order who accounted for the majority.  This was due in part to bombs hit by Skinner and Tap Room Casey which scored 3 runs.  Take away those two doubles and we only score 4 runs.  Which is just plain stupid.  Defense played very well overall by only allowing them to score 10.  But, in this league, you score 7, you lose 99.5% of the time.

It was a strange game, overall, and may be reflective of the direction the league is going.  Here are arguably the two best teams in the CCSL challenging each other for potential homefield in the championship and yet it didn’t seem to have that much competitiveness to it.  Seemed like teams played hard, wanted to win, but didn’t have any of the chippiness that usually accompanies these games.  Just my take.  There was shit talking, don’t kid yourself, but it was more playful than anything else, My narrative doesn’t do it justice, and I don’t wax poetic about books you haven’t read like Whiskey Frank.  I will say this.  We have to play better to beat that team.  And our problem this time was our top 4-6 hitters.  Gotta score more runs than that.  They had absolutely zero difficult plays.  Can’t let that happen, have to press a defense like that.  They let us hang around in the game by doing exactly that themselves after the 1^st inning.  They gave us a chance to win that game.  We just didn’t take it.  And yeah, I’ll admit, I hate losing to Benson.  Who does?

Ralph Kiner Game Notes

·       Nick and I had a combined 1 run, 2 RBI, All stars!

·       We missed Derm’s drunken presence

·       Whiskey Frank’s blog is way WAY sandier than mine

·       Twitwer is a douche

·       I love Resident Evil

·       I don’t get as many texts from the Blogfather since I started calling him the Blogfather.  I may have been Blogdisowned

·       I’ll never play another softball game with Blonde Benson again….until he comes out of retirement for like the 30^th time

·       Massive Head Wound Aaron looks exactly like Ben Folds

·       Demo better have a fucking buffalo chicken hoagie with NO BLEU CHEESE for me next Tuesday

·       Ron, Hoagiefest is Wednesday

·       The Fart Museum is 0-2 since the Darkness got hurt

·       Tim had no errors in a game he played.  Stunned

·       Dr. Verne Benson hates catching line drives in the air

·       Matty Matty Matty has filed a restraining order against Dr. Benson

·       Fishtown Benson only runs when he’s trying to screw me

·       Pam Pammed us in the 1^st inning

·       The Camel likes caramel

·       La Nice ________________  insert young boy reference

·       Supernintendo Al had a board meeting with the King Koopa

Quotes from the Week

“Oh, boy, now I’ll have more time for activities and projects!”

Rice, referring to why he’s quitting softball

“Thanks for showing up on time, Swede.”

“Sorry, I had my urinalysis.”

"In the 'Pines, they called me Hand Job Phyllis."
Fleishanna

"I Love your song 'Brick,' Aaron!"

"Want me to sign your yearbook?"

"That Blonde Benson is one wise cracker, shut yo' mouth!"

Black Marino and/or Joey Fleishoes

"My car won't start."

Mickles

"I smash so I do 6-8 months for mayhem."

Ogre

"Come to my musical, Kyle Jacobs A One Man Show About Breast Cancer."

"I pushed my boobs together so that they would look like a cross-eyed torso. Pow!"

Phyllis

"We beat the Fart Museum by like 30 runs and I had 3 homeruns....can I sleep in the bed tonight, Anne?"
Nevins

"I write a subpar blog with fallacious lies and I once masturbated in the shower.....a Baby Shower."

Twitwer

"I'm salty."

Pickle

"It was my anniversary........and it sucked."

Derm about why he missed the game

"Lesbians?  Yes, ma'am."

Gabor

"Jews run the media."

Pell

"I should have been there but my girlfriend was pegging me."
Cousins

"Traitoring ain't easy."
Tap Room Casey


"Ed, is that a codpiece?"
Joe the Deported


"I love black guys."
Maureen


"Skin that, Benson!  Not have bookies break my legs this week!"
Skinner


"I hate your quotes.  My country wasn't in the Vietnam War.   I'm from the Philippines.  We're what you call a practice country."
Fleishanna

“Yo, haha, I love spanking the Fart Museum.  There’ll be some serious haha’ing on me!  Marlboro’s all around!”

My Man

Week 7 Lines

Here they are kids, adjust your bets accordingly.

Tuesday (mine)                                              Over/Under

Ball Tap Room +3 at Refugees                          30
FAMtech  at Zoo+7                                            31
PnP +6 at Fart Museum                                      19

Tuesday (Nick)

Ball Tap Room +1  at Refugees                          23

FAMtech at Zoo+3                                             25

PnP +8 at Fart Museum                                      30

The Salty Vegetable

AKA: Benedict Pickle
Team:  Who the fuck knows, Constipickle Center?
CCSL origin story:  Grew up a poor cucumber till one day, walking home from school, he slipped and fell into a bucket of salt, vinegar, and disappointment
Claim to fame:  Won the pool on this blog
Last big win:  n.a.
Next big win:  16-5 over Franklin
Catch phrase:  I matter!
Favorite movie: Babe: Pig in the City
Real Name:  Brian something
Finish the madlib:  Pickle is  _________ (adj,) than ________(#) _________(farm animal) using their _____________(fornication noun) to _______(v) their ____________ __________________ ___________ (something perverted involving fruitloops, paint thinner and a used diaper)
Favorite CCSL player:  Pat
Number of other people who know who he is:  3, his mom, his parole officer, and "Rico" at the Cave
Occupation:  Bill Nye's stunt double
True or False:  Pickle has The Blogfather's autograph, True
Best Idea for a screenplay:  James Bond saves the day but then doesn't sleep with the girl. Instead, he takes her out to dinner then leaves early because he has a head cold.  The rest of the movie is Bond watching the movie Without A Paddle
Date of pickling:  summer, dickety 6
Best friend:  old lefty
Postition:  Pitcher
True or False:  Pickle once went to lunch with Steve Jobs, True, but not the computer guy.  This Steve cleans up the aisles in the movie theater
Tina injury likelihood factor:  11
Career CCSL hits:  4, but only cause that fucker Nick wouldn't play him
Arch rival:  Buddy
CCSL all star main event:  Buddy v Pickle in a no-holds barred one man chicken fight
If he could be anyone else:  Bella from Twilight

How'd he get his nickname:  ask Mickey, something about being a shovel taster or something dumb