Why is he leading her away from the St. Joseph's Catholic Church? I heard they have brownies!

Why is he leading her away from the St. Joseph's Catholic Church?  I heard they have brownies!

Friday, June 8, 2012


HOAGIEFEST 2012 has come and gone!

Wow, 2 days later and still no blogs about Hoagiefest.  Well, that’s unfair.  No “real” blogs about Hoagiefest.  Twatwer spewed out some gelatinous goo from some orifice but nobody even noticed.  Kinda like a Marino.  You never notice them until they’re turning fly balls to right into homeruns.  Just a lot of noise, sound and fury, signifying nothing.  Anyway, Hoagiefest was a rousing success!!!  And all thanks to the lovely Phyllis.  I will point out two things first, we had leftover hoagies (WTF!) even though Ron wolfed down 5 by himself.  And Phyllis changed the origin of the hoagies from one magical Shangri-la of hoagies to some place that confuses buffalo sauce with  that stuff that clings to your butt hairs when you haven’t showered for a couple of days.  Right Buddy?  How awful is that?  Seriously, Phyllis did a great job and everyone needs to high five her boobs when they see her.  Also punch La Nice in the berries and tell her “Kyle Jacobs says hello.”  That’ll be fun too. 
People stayed at the field till 6 in the morning.  And by people I mean Nick, Cousins, Soccer Meg, 4 homeless people including Rice, and 2 girls looking for El Colach.  He had left already.  Said he needed to “lose a kilo.”  Don’t know what that means.  I’ll have to ask Brett Favre when I see him again as he’s the only guy I know of in this league with a serious cocaine problem.  Whiskey Frank, El Colach, and Tucker v. Tuckerson decided that they wanted to go fire-pit jumping.  Two things.  Yes, Rice brought a fire pit and that should surprise NO ONE.  Second, who wants to jump a fire pit?  Well, jump to the side of the fire pit more like it.  As a hanger on to these festivities I do have to note that this was the Ryan Vellia of fire pit jumping.  Kinda short, should be more interesting that it is, can only be done in the dark.  Rum was drunk.  Whiskey was not drunk cause it was not brought.  Maureen didn’t talk to anyone.  Mickey remembered what it was like to have fun.  The Tap Room showed up even though they didn’t order any hoagies and still ate them.  They should be called the Tap Ron from now on.  Ford left at 9:30 cause he “had a big day tomorrow.”  Soccer Meg showed up in the 7th from being a WMLS star.  Buddy was bearded and happy that he almost didn’t lose.  Pickle didn’t show up cause he’s still briny somewhere.  Derm embarrassed himself and others.  Cousins had his first big boy beer.  Some other dudes did stuff.  Elmer didn’t show up cause he had to return several of his “adopted” children to the cellar under the stairs before dark.  Willmarth showed up for his last act in this league.  Pam played in her game for some reason.  Chandra didn’t get injured by the fire pit.  Phyllis and La Nice did sweaty beer soaked firepit scissoring.  Darkness fell asleep in the car.  Robbie and Denise were Robbie and Denise.  Fineman was pissed cause he went 0-4 against us.  Abt showed up in time for hoagiefest but not to play.  Maureen still didn’t talk to anyone. And did I mention that Nick stayed at the field till 6 am?  I’ve never seen the sun rise on Dairy 2 before, but I imagine that it’s a sad, depressing evaluating all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life decision.  Morning Rice is the worst.
Apparently, we played a game before all that.  Well, the Refugees played a game, the Phyllisless Collar did something else.  Unsure why.  Probably because the Catahoula blue and blue is an intimidating sight.  Or because Phyllis didn’t play.  Or because Cousins turned a double play by himself, the bastard.  For whatever reason (Ford), the Collar was not there usual selves and the final was something like 19-8 with them scoring 5 in the 7th to make it that close.  A sloppy game all around, but the Refugees hit the ball well and made fewer (exception me) errors than their counterparts.  I’m still impressed that Bizarkness caught my line drive in the 6th but I’ll get over it.  No wait, I harp on bad luck in coed softball leagues but I’ll just take it out on Twatwer in the quotes.  Carolyn had no hits cause we shut her down after watching her burn the Pencil for a walk off win Monday night.  El Colach thought he could teach me a lesson by hitting a ball right at me.  Odd decision.  Fineman is still sandy.  Danielle and Tap Room Casey had some big hits again.  This is becoming an odd but reassuring trend.  Derm pitched like he was going to prison right after….very slowly with some crying.  Tim didn’t make as many errors as you’d think.  Matty made no errors for a change (Verne still has wood for him no matter what).  And Renardo is black.  That pretty much summed up the game.

Ralph Kiner’s End Game Notes
·         This is the Refugee’s first career win over the Bishop’s Collar
·         This breaks Phyllis’ consecutive game streak at 852
·         This continues the Darkness consecutive pass out before 10 streak at 12,583 days
·         Ford’s a lot less sandy with a hoagie in his hand
·         Nevins is too cool for this league
·         Cousins is the best second baseman ever, just ask him
·         I made it the entire night without pooping
·         Moira pooped 3 times
·         Benson was dreaming of playing baseball with people he actually likes
·         Rice was dreaming of not playing with Benson
·         Pell fled to Brazil to escape war crimes
·         Skinner lost 10 large at the track and had her arm broke
·         Kyle Jacobs sang show tunes at home while judo chopping his lifesize Ray cutout
·         Elmer smashed, then felt guilty, then pillaged a small Norweigian village as Wunderwiley
·         Fleishanna didn’t show up because she was “tearing ass in the ‘pines.”
·         Tina showed up but had to leave cause Lynch performed an exorcism
·         Russ was there but nobody could see him
·         Ray had a personal best, longest time around Darryl without an erection
·         Twatwer failed his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on his beard
·         I also set a personal best, getting the most CCSL’ers to groan in disgust by reading the previous bullet point
·         Maureen didn’t talk to anyone
·         I’d like to say Phyllis’ boobs were POW.  But they were not.  They were merely Bam!  I expect too much sometimes
·         La Nice fed on several squirrels she found foraging near the fire pit.  Their bones were later collected by Gabor to make a necklace
·         For some dumbass reason, we did not have one single hoagie fight
·         The Zoo showed up and……oh, right, they didn’t show up
·         Verne touched Matty lightly, in the darkness of forever
·         Twatwer failed his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on his beard….I brought it back.  Boom!
·         Joey Fleishshoes begged me not to include him in the recap.  So I won’t.  Even though he’s a butt raping clown gremlin

Quotes from the Week

“Soccer is the most fun you can have when you have nothing else to do and want to feel like when you first heard Matlock was going off the air.”
Soccer Meg

“I hate you Nick.”
Pam

“I heart you Nick.”
Nick

“I can lick my own taint.”
Twatwer

“You’re a lucky woman, Moira.”
Somebody to Moira about me, clearly without any sarcasm

“I am not a butt raping clown gremlin!”
“Sure are!”

“My hair is insane, I can double as a scrub brush or Tucker’s box.”
Mickey

“Everyone come to my concert tonight or I’ll separate my shoulder again.”
Spence

“Weather.com says there’s only a 10% chance I’ll piss my pants tonight.”
Flynn

“What do vaginas look like?”
McElhattan

“I hate my team.  We almost lost to a team with a guy named Chippy.”
Ford

“I think her boobs were POW!”
Ed

“Who wants a moustache ride?”
Collar Mikey

“I don’t do anything anymore now that I’ve been Made!”
Donny Money right before being shoved into a trunk

“I can’t make the game tonight.  Momma’s gotta go watch the ponies.”
Skinner

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Brennan,  yes you do, buddy, yes you do

“What’s a four-letter word for utter hopelessness and despair coated with crabs and face gonorrhea?”
“Nick.”
Twatwer and Buddy

“I’m going through the 6 stages of grief right now.”
“Don’t’ you mean 5?”
“No, I’ve been through anger and acceptance, right now I’m in Derm.”
Phyllis and Spence

“Who wants to see Marigold hotel with me this weekend?”
“Go F yourself, hippie!”
Somebody from the Art Museum talking to a normal person

“I hate losing to Benson.”
Ray

“This is TJ Cousins’ cousin.”
“Hi, I’m small.”
Self-explanatory

“Who wants to do a body shot off me?”
Phyllis, as is tradition

“I will!”
Donlen, somewhere

“Honkies be trippin’”
White Renardo

“Tim, that’s racist.”
Black marino

“I sure hope Excel works the same in Chicago.”
Willmarth

“Supernintendo Al and the Tap Ron.”
Me, just now

“Remember when I had two knees.”
“Sure, remember when you weren’t a douche?”
Darkness and Rice

“I’m freakin’ pale even at night.”
Rice

“I miss Ryan and Nick.  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  I have Buddy now.  (Sigh)”
Mickowitz

“I did a great job organizing hoagiefest.”
Social chair Andrea





































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