Finals baby!!!!!

Wow wow wow wow!  So much to get to.  First of all, the Tap Room lost a heartbreaker to the Collar 13-8 or something.  That is awesome, hilarious, and awesome.  Awesomely hilarious.  My favorite part of it was that it was like a 45 minute game and we found out about the outcome in like the 4^th inning of our game.  All because The Blogfather^TM  was “old manning” at 35 mph on the left lane of the highway with his turn signal on and we had to start late.  Irregardless, the Catahoula Refugees go to the finals of the CCSL for the first time in team history.  Coach Nick takes a rookie team with no playoff experience to the finals and we’ll have to see whether the experience of the Collar wins out over the youth of the Refugees.  Either way it’ll be fun!  Yay sports fun shots!

Edgely 8, Monday July 30^th.  Collar at the MF’ing Refugees.  Everyone who reads this rag should attend.  The Blogfather^TM will be umping and will be sandy from his Saturday 8 a.m. game.  On to the recap.

So, we played the Fart Machine for the 4^th straight year in the playoffs (oh, that’s right, we have never been to the playoffs before because Buddy asked for the records).  Irregardless, we won this game 17-10 or something, and it was really close for 4 innings, then not close.  That’s how it goes.  The score was 6-4 after the 4^th inning on a lack of offensive spark by the Fugees and some calls that did not go our way.  The game tilted in our favor early due to two uncharacteristic misplays by the Farts which I’ll get to.  The first inning saw the Fart not score as Whiskey Frank ended it on a Timberly catch (3^rd career) with a runner at second.  The Refugees scored a big fat 3 runs on a Matty single, me single, Nick sac fly, and Cousins seeing-eye single that hopped over the Darkness’s glove.  The third run scored on a Danielle base knock.  The Fart scored 1 in the 2^nd to cut it to 3-1 then a couple of things happened.  What should have stayed 3-1 ended up 6-1 after an inning ending force out to second when past new female secondbasegirl for the Fart.  I’m guessing nerves and the stress of the situation.  That allowed me to come up with a run in 2 on and 2 outs.  Here, instead of singling through the right side with the outfield playing me Ogredepth, I crushed a ball to right center directly to the shift.  Instead of running the ball out like a veteran of the playoffs should, I threw the bat down in disgust and walked to first, thinking I had ended the inning.  The ball was misplayed by the Pirate outfielder and I ended up on 3^rd instead of scoring…which I did not do that inning.  Could have cost us.  Would have put us up 7-1 and that could have been the game.  Dumb.  However, we did cash 3 runs in when we should have had none.  Zing!  Then it got interesting.  A couple of calls went the Fart’s way and they tightened the score to 6-4 as we failed to score in the next two innings.  Stressful.  Then Renardo showed up….eventually, and as any Black Marino does, started off the 5^th with a single, followed by and Adam single, then my single, then Nick’s single, then Cousin’s single, then Pete’s single……First 7 hitters in the inning scored.  13-4.  And that was the game.  Frank double fisted whiskey bottles, Ray threw his glove, Rice punched the secondbase girl then sat in the back seat of Andrea’s car waiting to be driven home, Darryl showed up and asked Ray why he didn’t play, Kaleef had open back surgery, Kyle stabbed 4 people then wrote a play about it, the Darkness  well, that’s another story, Bearded Jeans Guy shaved put on some Khakis and got a real job hippie!, The Blogfather^TM started drinking, and the team celebrated a playoff win.  First in team history.  Yay sports go team win!  Gotta hit better overall on Monday and shore up some communication on relays and throwing to bases.  Other than that, great win team!

Quotes from the Playoff Wins!

Dammit!

Ray

Why the hell am I in right field?

Benson

Rice just got an FUI, fielding under the influence

This space is for friends and relatives of the team, Buddy.  Go to your practice.

Why isn’t Nick in your starting outfield?    kyle

He is, he’s Ben G.    me

That’s still funny to me.  Rice

I have THE BEST story for you guys

Mickey

I’m gonna end this game with a seed right back at the pitcher

Camel

Pop Pop!

Magnitude, somewhere

I was in rehab for the Yips

Cousins

I can’t play this week cause I had my knees broken.

Skinner

This was the Pencil’s year!  How did it go so badly?  Oh, yeah, Nevins made 3 games.

Blogfather^TM

We gonna get so drunk after our games next week

Collach

What’s the weather forecast for Monday?

Flynn

I never have any quotes in these things but I’m still in lesbians with Matty.

Adam

Why am I not in the finals?

Whiskey Frank, said in a Nic Cage voice that sounds like drunk hooked on phonics

They were definitely pow today.

Phyllis

I want to stab Nick in the face.

Ray, Kyle, Rice, throw a rock

Nobody on the Refugees was small enough for me to headlock

Darkness

And the Playoffs Continue

And the playoffs continue.  Despite a little bit of rain last night, both games were able to be played despite Benson driving to Edgely to inform all teams that they were not playing because of the rain.

So let’s see what happened, shall we?  How were my predictions.  Let’s start with the Collar/Pencil game.  I was able to watch parts of this game from my own game on Edgely 7 (worst field ever) and it appeared like it was a Collar blowout.  Actually, the game was much closer and the Collar won 14-6.  I picked them at 18-8 so I was pretty close.  But, as we know, close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, Little League umpiring, moneyshots, and Kyle’s restraining orders.  The game was apparently closer than the score dictated and the Pencil was missing both Nevins and Marcus.  This made for a very sad Panda/Blogather.  Would have been interesting to see how the game would have played out with them.  The Collar was also missing Flynn who was still exhausted from his Flynntastic Weekend.  Congratulations buddy!  Hope nobody threw rice at your wedding because as we all know, rice attracts birds, and the natural predator of these birds is a roving torrential lightning storm.  Hope you were careful and your tuxedo was made out of rubber.

The second game was the Fart/Zoo game.  This is currently the most bitterest rivalry in all of the CCSL and also led the league in most 300 word narratives concerning onfield behavior.  Unfortunately for us, but fortunately for those involved, neither scenario I depicted yesterday occurred, no one was maimed, and the Fart won 31-6 or something gross.  A lot of bitter sentiment in that game and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to giggle at it.  See Whiskey Frank’s blog for all the saucy details.   I’m hoping there’s at least 5 paragraphs about Pickle’s umpiring. 

So for today, we have the defending asshole/champs hosting the Collar and we are heavily rooting for the Collar.  And the league favorite defenders of the free world and onfield champale drinking Refugees host the Fighting Rays.  And we get Edgely 8.  Cause we’re cool.  Let’s do the Collar at the Supernintendo Alvin and the Ball Taps first.  This game is on Dairy 2 I believe.  Enjoy the sun fellas and chickies.  Aside from us, the Collar is the only other team that gives the Ball Tap headaches.  If they can score a couple of runs early and then tack on, they have a chance to get the crazy out of the Ball Tap and win the game.  If it’s close, I give the edge to the Collar.  The Collar’s defense is improved from last year and the offense is coming around (Mikey D had 2 homers yesterday….and a thick porn moustache!)  Realistically, I think the Champs pull this out by 5, 16-11.  Benson yells at the umpire, who’s like Mickey or something, Al hurts all 1 of his hamstrings and somewhere Blonde Benson claps out loud to himself while streaming the game on ESPN 3.  Sorry Phyllis, prove me wrong.  Pow!

Now our game.  Which is the CCSL game of the week cause I want it to be and I get to decide these things.  We host the Fart Machine on Edgely 8.  I make us the favorite but not a heavy favorite.  I make us a 7 point fav and say we win 19-12.  Very similar to our last score.  All hands are on deck for the Refugees including Vellia, who’s flying in expecting to play, but will be summarily removed from the lineup before the game when Ray notices that he has played in 0 sanctioned CCSL games this year.  He’s already begun writing the requisite 300 word narrative.  But, this is a playoff game with competitive juices flowing and any team that puts up 31 in the playoffs should be taken seriously…even if they have Kyle…and Rice.  Kyle Rice sounds like the name of a porn star…..clearly one with AIDS.  I’m a microbiologist, I can make those jokes.  Here’s your starting 9 fielders, though the lineup is missing Derm which is a good thing or at least a less drunk thing.  And to quote Nevins, “when you hit the ball to Derm, hilarity ensues.”  True words.  Rich and compelling.  Outfield is Pete, Ben G., Matty, and Renardo left to right.  Verne, myself, TJ Cousins, and Cathleen infield.  Danielle behind the plate, and the old crusty veteran on the mound.  No big surprises.  Nothing that we haven’t played with all year.  A solid, ruggedly handsome lineup except for Cousins who looks like a highway motel bathmat.  19 runs should be a breeze for this team.  Then, after it’s over, we get to watch a Darkness, Kyle, Whiskey Frank, Ray deathmatch for who gets to make the lineups next year.  Popcorn and sangria will be provided by the CCSL League Home.  And yes, Timberly, you will play tonight, I haven’t forgotten you.  Ugh, these marinos are so freakin’ needy.

Everyone have fun tonight!  Nazi Pell may be in attendance.  Who the hell knows though, she’s a Nazi.

Playoff Preview Penis

The extra penis is for alliteration....and it will make Phyllis "pee her pants."  These pants will then be on sale through the CCSL league office for $18.99.

Well my blogfather told me that my blog sucked, which we all knew, then he made me cut a blogswitch and took me behind the blogbarn to be blogflogged till my buttcheeks were blog red.  Blog.  So instead of masturbating, playing some playstation, and going to bed in a different room than my wife, I'm up writing this crap. Also, I just saw Batman.....and loved it!  More on that in a minute.  Anyway, next week (i.e. tomorrow) is the start of the playoffs and will feature the league's first expanded playoff systems, dubbed the Oberlins. before the normal format can begin.

Here's a look ahead with predictions.

Game 1.  Zoo versus the Fart Machine

Wow, first of all, I'm obviously biased in this game but don't really know which way.  I have several good friends on the Fart Machine and I know Rice so I don't know if I'm rooting for them to win or lose.  Oh, wait, yeah, it has to be lose.  I was asked earlier what would happen if the Fighting Oberlins won.  Here are the two scenarios.

Scenario 1.  Zoo blows out the Fart.  Zoo is away so the Fart Museum hits last.  On the last out, made by Ray of course, a pop up lands in Oberlin's glove in shallow left.  Ray takes the bat and immediately decapitates the Zoo 1st baseman.  Whiskey Frank is coaching first and is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head.  Whilst trying to give Frank a single wall enema, Rice and the Darkness pull Ray off the unconscious Frank.  This is the key point because while touching Ray, the Darkness gets infused with a true taste of what's it's like to be pissed off and turns into the Super Darkness.  He grows 10 feet in size, gets bright red eyes, breathes fire, yet still can't pay for shots at the bar.    He goes off and destory much of downtown Camden and gets a reality sitcom show on Fox.  It gets mild reviews.  Ray gets therapy, Rice goes to bed early, and Oberlin drives to Nick's house to break his legs.

Scenario 2.  Zoo wins in a close game.  Plays much like Scenario 1, except with minor changes.  First, the last hitter in the 7th in this scenario is Kyle because, well, it OBVIOUSLY has to be Kyle.  Kyle ground to the pitcher to end the game.  Upon the out, several things happen:  Kyle begins arguing with everyone else about he actually didn't end the game, that his was a base hit, that you don't know how to play the game and that it was Ray's fault he was not batting in his more natural spot in the order which is some other spot.  Rice immediately dies on the spot due to alcohol underpoisoning, Frank pull out a make shift spear and "Cage in 300's" Oberlin.  The rest of it is the obvious Ray bloodbath much like scenario 1.

But seriously, I would love a Zoo victory, but they have little chance in this.  I don't think it's a blowout, unless Bearded Jeans Guy gets a shave and some Dockers, but the Fart wins and plays us Tuesday.  I pick this game Fart by 7.  15-8


Game 2.  Blogfathers at Collar.

What a difference a week makes.  I made the Collar my pick'em winner against the Pencils last week and they responded by trouncing the Ford by 20 runs.  Silly.  Now I don't know what to think.  Actually, I do.  Collar wins this game.  I'm sorry, Ford, I'm rooting for you guys in your first playoff game in 5 years (better than the Zoo!  First playoff game since I've been alive).  A lot of friends in this game and I generally root for both teams.  I'd like the Pencil to win but I don't really think they can beat the Ball Taps.  I think the Collar can but it doesn't really matter much.

What will happen in this game?  Apparently, Marcus quit.  Sad.  Pencil needs huge contributions by their studs in this.  How can they win?  The Collar have better overall hitters and better defense, in my opinion.  They do not have much in the way of power, however.  Here the Pencil has more.  Abt is the only true power hitter on the Collar while Pencil boasts Nevins, Lynch (2009 version only), 60% of Donlen, 4% Russ, and Miller when fair.  These 5 players will have to score 10 runs so they can win 13-9.  That's just how it is.  Also, the Blogfather needs to play the ENTIRE game even though he'll be sandier than Nick's vagina on vacation in the Sahara.  Sadly, I don't see a Pencil win.  I see a sound Collar win by 10.  18-8.

Game 3.  Which Batman movie was the best?

Tonight's Batman movie was awesome.  But it was not the best.  My wife and I disagreed which of course means that I'm right.  I rank them 2-1-3.  She ranks them 1-3-2 or something, I wasn't listening, I thought she was talking about shoes. Apparently, people did not like the 2nd movie as much which is silly because Heath Ledger should have won the Oscar for it.  Hands down.  It was fantastic.  The first movie was great because it was such a welcome departure from the shitty Total Recall-y world where Seal sings every song and superheroes always wear Sigfriend and Roy ostentatious colors.  Single handedly killed Chris O'Donnell's career.  No wait, Circle of Friends and his acting in general did that.  Bane in the 3rd movie was so much better than expected.  Though it was wildly inaccurate I didn't even care.  And I had to remind myself at the end that I just watched an Anne Hathaway movie.  That's how not terrible she was.  I'd say she was good, but, well, she wasn't.  but she wasn't terrible and deserves the Keanu Reeves acting award...given posthumously. So yeah, 2-1-3 and all were great....just like the Starship Troopers trilogies.

Best Batman villains
Joker
Scarecrow
Bane
300 other ones
Riddler
Poison Ivy
Phyllis
Jared from Subway

Week 14 Picks. POW! (more like bang.)

Monday                                                                                      O/U

Playoff Tune up Game of the Week                                                                          

Sputterin’ Rays at the Winstreak Buddys+8                                                              28

Red Headed Step Child Cut Me a Switch Game of the Week

Bad Touch+14 at the Belmont Tap Room                                                                 26

Tuesday

CCSL Game of the Week

Collar the Pen and Pencil Hair Salon   It’s a Ford ‘em!                                              21

CCSL Grill Game of the Week

1 for their last 2 Franklin+13 at the Refugees                                                            42

Game with no Beef or Playoff importance of the Week

PickleButtPats+11  at the Angry Joeys                                                                      29

Nick’s Anal Bum Covers of the Week

 Sputtering Rays -8 and the under.

Belmont Tap -14 and the under.
Pencil OUTRIGHT!
Refugees -13 and the under.
Angry Joeys -11 and the under. 

The Darkness’ Cotton Candy Capers of the Week

Art and the under.
Tap and the under.
Collar and the under.
Refugees and the under.
Picklebuttpats and the under.

Fart Machine Poo Poo

***I wrote this two weeks ago and didn't get to finish it, cuz, you know, I was gettin' marrified and all.  So just be thankful with what you get.  I'm on a beach, please annoy Nick instead.

Very very VERY delayed recap after our game against our Oberlin-mandated rivals, the Philadelphia Fart Machine.  But, as I’m getting married in 3 days, you can all go fornicate yourselves with an iron stick.  But let’s move on, shall we?  Only 9 Refugees showed up to the contest and that was regrettable.  Almost had to start with the out for only having 8 but Pete showed up just in time to give us the 9 we needed.  Yay!  Where was Cousins?  No Fing idea.  What stupid ass cousin misses a game against his cousin’s cousin’s cousin?  What a pederast!   It’s just dumb.  Dumb like getting married without a Massi prenup.  Dumb like going to Twatwer’s BBQ.  Dumb like showing up to the orgy with a bunch of your buddies two hours early.  Yeah, dumb.  And once again we were without Skinner who was chasing the ponies.  Text from her says she lost 3 beaks.  No idea what that means.

Well, the game was an interesting one to say the least.  Rice showed up 5 innings late after watching 2 hours of Phyllis driving.  He said he can’t get the images out of his head.  A lot of what happened is strange to me.  In the 5^th inning, the Darkness touched me and I didn’t climb out of the bitter barn for a good solid 2 days.  That stuff is powerful.  What set me off was the fact that Rice maliciously and willfully broke my glove.  Sandbox Olympics followed.  Otherwise, the game was a smashing success for team Refugee against the Farts.  19-14 final.  19 runs is solid especially from a depleted 9 man squad.   Everybody had at least 2 hits I think including outfield-assisted doubles for both myself and Nick.  Thank you Fart Machine outfield which did not show up for the game.  Pete made the only 3-6-3 double play I’ve ever been a part of in softball.  It was pretty spectacular.  Cousins did not have the yips because he didn’t show up.  I don’t know where he was but I get an image of the movie Hostel every time I think about it.  The Black Marino was his typical self with a couple of knocks in key situations as was Verne.  Highlight for me was Nick falling down the outfield hill chasing a fly ball.  He looked like a dolphin trying to hump a lantern.  Graceful.  Whiskey Frank realized he can’t hit a ball past me at short.  Ray decided to demote his entire outfield to AA Camden Fart Machine.  Darryl was traded to the Bad Touch for a couple of bases and the Paul Reiser Couplehood book.  Bearded Jeans Guy played a lock down outfield except whenever Ray was nearby.

And we won...to finish our sweep of the rivals.  And we get to play them a third time (likely) for the 4th year in a row.  Terrific.

Week 12 Picks, ba'zing!

Monday
                                                                over/under
CCSL Game of the Week
Ball Taps at Pencils +9                                                  27

Zoo+11 at Refugees                                                      23


Tuesday
CCSL Grill Night!

Bad Touch+8 at Refugees                                            25
Ball Taps at the Counting Favres+16                           31


Nick's Not Enough Bandwidth Disappointments of the Week (12-7)


Ball Tap to cover and the over
Refugees to cover and the over
Refugees to cover with the over
Favres with the points and the under




The Darkness' Tina Liverspot Choices of the Week (4-4)

Darklight on the CCSL Vol 1.

Name:  The Darkness
Occupation:  Bulb Crusher
Wormhole Possibility Meter:  3, Colonic
Number of knees:  1
Least Favorite CCSL team:  Fart Museum
Reason he still has his neck:  hard to gnaw through dark matter
Average bed time:  7:43 EDT
Darkness Witching hour:  7:44 EDT
Herpes:  No sore shall stain thy name!
Way to kill him:  reading lights
Number of CCSL attributable 1st base coaching fights:  75
Dog's name:  Bernie
Original name:  Cerberus, the fire dog of Alpo Gas
Favorite CCSL player:  La Nice, ever since she laid eggs in his esophagus
Claim to fame:  watched all of the series Glee
Secret:  Was asleep for 96% of Glee
Favorite Movie: Sleepwalkers, you can be asleep AND devour people's souls?
If he was a sandwich he would be:  Liverwurst on Rye.....with a splash of pesticide
Multiple choice:   Darkness works on a roof because he
a. needs the money
b. likes to be closer to Zeus
c. has a ladder obsession
d. all of the above
e. its the safest place from Kyle

Goal in life:  To be a pube nurse
Favorite shampoo:  No more brightness Pert
Least Favorite movie:  Dark Crystal, how the fuck does that Mickey-raping Gelfling survive the movie?
Swallows?:  Worlds, suns, moons, heavy doses of man sluice
Best sexual move:  Tie, not getting eating and the 10 o'clock vagina face plant
SAT Maureen Creepiness factor:  6, somewhere between tight shirts Nick and oh my god, what is it eating Elmer
Movie Cameo:  Seen floating in the pool during Caddyshack
Previous comment poop joke hilarity factor:  2, poor
True or False:  is on the Willmarth weight loss plan?
Number of siblings that are redheaded?: 1
Is this the reason we're friends:  duh
True or false:  Nick and the Darkness have done the the upside down dog in the bathtub
Best Quote:  I am the Darkness and ye all shall knell before me.....also, Buddy eats his own farts
Biggest danger to society:  constant episodes of the "green apple splatters"
Reason in the CCSL:  Complicated, something about a faucet
Yellow fever vaccination update:  pending
Hangeron status?"  3 Rices
Reason for not playing professional ball:  tested positive for anal Ron repellent ($34, from the CCSL store)
Seen Phyllis naked?:  No, everyone looks the same in the dark...when you're asleep....and you have Nick's thumb up your anus
Favorite cheese:  dick
Who wins in a Thunderdome, Rice, Darkness, Kyle, and Ray:   Darkness, he falls asleep before the gunstart, Rice gets pulled over for swinging an axe while intoxicated, Kyle impales himself on a spike because he wants to teach it musicals, and Ray flies out softly to left then punches himself to death in the face.....also Steve Bushemi shot him from the balcony
Last book read:  Papa Johns delivery menu
Reason his video game controllers were sticky and never worked:  Chun Li
Best swingset move:  The Underdarkness
Best caption for the picture:  Semen Secret Service

Week 11 picks

Monday                                                                                  Over/Under

Zoo at Touch Me Badly+9                                                                32
FAMtasy Island+15 at Ball Tapless                                                  27
Phitin' Phyllises  at the Angry Pickles+11                                        24

Tuesday

CCSL Game of the Week!
Refugees at the Fart Museum now with 30% more Darkness!+6    27


Phitin' Phyllises at the No Buddy/No Mickey/No Chance+23        34
Pencils at the Pickles+12                                                                 20


Nick's Dirty Laundry Smells of the Week (Season 8-5)


Bad Touch with the points and the under

Tap Room to cover and the over
Collar to cover with the under
Fart with the points and the over
Brett Favres with the points and the under
Pencils to cover with the over

The Darkness's 9:45 Ambion Selections  (Season 1-1)

Bad Touch with the points and the over

Tap Room to cover and the over
Collar to cover with the under
Refugees to cover with the under
Brett Favres with the points and the over
Pencils to cover with the over

Way too late update on pencil and stuff

Well, kids, our 1 game against the Writing Fords is in the books thus concluding the 7 fun games that Oberlin scheduled for us this year.  Don’t read into that too much if you’re on one of the “other” teams like the Art Museum.  It’s not that you’re not fun, it’s just that playing you is like watching Derm shower (which is does every Halloween whether he needs it or not).  So we played the Ford Fairlanes in our one game and it was fun.  Lived up to the hype as it goes.  A lot of shit talking, random strategery, hitless Lynch at bats, and dogs.  Yeah, there were like 80 dogs, all of them small, except for Gabor’s which apparently once carried Perseus to kill Medusa.  That’s an original Clash of the Titans reference, not the remake with the assclown from that 3^rd grade coloring book, Avatar.  The final score was 11-3, but in the 4^th inning it was 4-1.  Close game for much of it.  But as the Blogfather once told me in confidence, the Franklin/Refugees always have that one big inning to put it away.  And we did.  And there was much rejoicing.  There were a couple of regrettable basecoaching calls/blunders that we wish didn’t happen.  Oh well.  This game in no way affected the playoff race. 

We played well overall, a few miscues defensively. And Cousins is still trying to fight through the dreaded yips by throwing the cartboard cutout Derm in the back yard.  The cardboard version is much like the regular version, only soberer and not as wet.    Skinpiece had a hit but spent most of the game keeping Gabor from for the Pencil.  Danielle had a hit as did Taproom Casey.  Black Marino hit a ball through the Blogfather in his “anti-Refugee” defensive alignment in right center field.  Offensively, we were fine.  Adam, playing the role of Gonzo, showed up late and went 0 for the 11 spot which is about right.  Top of the lineup played okay enough to win.  Not an elite showing, but solid enough.

I’ve been kind of awful with the writeups this year and for that I do not apologize.  If you want good writing, go to the Blogfathers.  If you want bad writing, go read Flynns.  I’ll wait for you to come back.

Ready?  Okay, let’s get to making fun of people, something that my ego loves to do.

It was a hilarious week for the CCSL.  As many of you know (and attended, Kyle!), my bachelor party was Friday Saturday, and a little Sunday.  It had a strong CCSL contingency, except for Ron, who thought there would be no food.  It was attended by members from the Pencil, Refugees, Tap room, FAMbees, Fart, Franklin, and Collar.  Pickles, Bad Touch, and Zoo get on it for the next time I have a bachelor party.

Many of the incidents described below are private so please do not share it with Frank’s blog.

Ralph Kiner’s Ridiculous Things that Happened or Didn’t’, I was WAY WAY too drunk

Start with the best, a diminutive member of both FAMtation Island and the ‘pines, decided to smash a bottle on the field during play.  Cleanup took 10 minutes.  Said person was penalized by going home with Joey Fleishoes

Krazy Kyle drove by the field 3 times but didn’t stop in.  This begs the question, why was he driving by the Edgely fields on a Saturday afternoon?  Puzzling.

I got to see Swede two straight days.  I feel like his parole officer.

Taproom Casey showed everyone her rocks

Nick did a fabulous job of organizing the festivities….just ask him

My best friend from college sat alone in the shade for 3 hours on Saturday.  Yes, that’s my old drinking buddy.  People get old.  They have kids, they become pussies.  Soft tender gutless pussies.

Phyllis sent me a blow up doll from the Fiancee’s party in Pellaware.  It had been scissored in half.

The following people fell asleep at 4 and couldn’t make it out to the bar:  Haha My Man, TJ Cousins, Russ, Hitler, the bassist from the Pogues, Pennywise from IT, Joey Fleishoes, Johanna Pines, everyone’s wives, and one of the poker playing dogs from the painting

The Darkness became the Darkness at 11:45 EDT

Ford didn’t show up cause Bonnie doesn’t let him “fraternize with lesser beings.”

I got lickered up good and tight, boi!

Your winners from the “Biggest Ego in the CCSL poll:……a tie for first between SAT Maureen and TJ Cousins.   Benson came in 3^rd.   The League polices itself.  SAT Maureen has promised a 300 word narrative to appeal the decision.

Quotes from the Week

“you look like a fart.”

“I can’t believe I have more ego votes than Nick”

SAT Maureen

“yo boyee! Clock in!”

“Your blog sucks this year.”

“I’m aware”

a bunch of people to me

“You told me to get out of here cause you were gonna ‘slam Alyssa.’”

Yeah, sorry Mickles

“I couldn’t make it to your bachelor party because a bunch of hobbits kept me out until sunrise and I turned to stone.”

Taproom Troll

"Jinkees, this sure sounds like a mystery to me!"

"Shut the fuck up Twatwer!"

"Easy top 3 egos, you, Marcus, Dennis."

Big whiff there, but the irony is delicious

"I miss my softball friends, Nicole!"

Blonde Benson

"Don't worry, honey, I"m sure Ryan will call you a walking nutpunch at some point."

Mrs Blonde Benson

"Watch!  I can lick my own taint."

Derm, and the reason the bachelor party ended a bit early

"We have the permit for Edgely 8, Saturdays at 3."

"Really?  That's weird, Renardo didn't mention anything about it."

Nick and some jagoff

" I need more baseball leagues if I'm ever gonna get drafted at 39."

The original

"I'm hitting a mom!"

Yes you are, buddy

"I've been such a drunk fuck this week, I missed a lot of the good stuff."

me, unfortunately

"A bachelor party!  And I didn't separate my shoulder!"

Spence

Week 10 Picks From the Can

Monday                                                                                        Over/Under
1. Refugees +6 at the Pencil                                                                   27
2. FAMbroken Arms+3 at Pickless Pats                                                 23

Tuesday
(CCSL Game of the Week)

3. Supernintendo Al's at Collar +6                                                         30
4. Bad Touch +8 at the Above the Waist Only Fightless Rays              24
5. Zooberlins at Buddy's Hateful Facebook Team +5                            31


Nick's Condom in the Bedroom Picks of the Week (4-4 on the season)

1.  Pencil with points and the under
2.  FAMbroken with the points and the over
3.  Collar with the points and the under
4.  Touch with the points and the over
5.  Zooberlins to cover and the under

Rayned Out

We were Rayned out on Tuesday against the Bad Touch.  This game will be made up on July 3rd I'm told.  In the meantime, here's a poll.  I don't have time to do much else cause it's my bachelor party and I've got to put on my big boy drinking panties.

Week 9 Lines

Monday                                                                                  Over/Under

1. Angry Rays at Zoo+8                                                                          27

2. FAM ‘pines+7 at Collar                                                                        31

3. Slightly uncomfortable touch+3 at Fightin’ Pickles                              28

Tuesday

4. Tap Ron at Pencils+9                                                                          32

5. We Touch Ourselves+12 at Refugees                                                20

CCSL game of the week

6. Pickles at Mickles     Mick'em!                                                             26

Memorial Nick's Playtex Pics of the Week

1. Zoo to cover with the under
2. Collar to cover with the under
3. Bad Touch OUTRIGHT  with the over
4. Pencils with the points and the under
5. Touch with the points and the over
6. Pickles OUTRIGHT with the over

The Darkness's Wiccan Wheaties Pics of the Week

1. Zoo to cover with the under
2. Collar to cover with under
3. Bad Touch with the points with the over
4. Pencil with the points with the over
5. Refugees to cover and over
6. Mickles OUTRIGHT with the over

Nicks’ Week 8 results

Zoo covered but was under   0-1

Pencil with the points and the under  1-1

Refugees covered with a push on the line, 1-2

Tap Ron covered with the under  2-2

Pencil did not cover and was under  2-3

Nick was 2 and 3 on the week.  Picks to come later this weekend...

HOAGIEFEST 2012 has come and gone!

Wow, 2 days later and still no blogs about Hoagiefest.  Well, that’s unfair.  No “real” blogs about Hoagiefest.  Twatwer spewed out some gelatinous goo from some orifice but nobody even noticed.  Kinda like a Marino.  You never notice them until they’re turning fly balls to right into homeruns.  Just a lot of noise, sound and fury, signifying nothing.  Anyway, Hoagiefest was a rousing success!!!  And all thanks to the lovely Phyllis.  I will point out two things first, we had leftover hoagies (WTF!) even though Ron wolfed down 5 by himself.  And Phyllis changed the origin of the hoagies from one magical Shangri-la of hoagies to some place that confuses buffalo sauce with  that stuff that clings to your butt hairs when you haven’t showered for a couple of days.  Right Buddy?  How awful is that?  Seriously, Phyllis did a great job and everyone needs to high five her boobs when they see her.  Also punch La Nice in the berries and tell her “Kyle Jacobs says hello.”  That’ll be fun too. 

People stayed at the field till 6 in the morning.  And by people I mean Nick, Cousins, Soccer Meg, 4 homeless people including Rice, and 2 girls looking for El Colach.  He had left already.  Said he needed to “lose a kilo.”  Don’t know what that means.  I’ll have to ask Brett Favre when I see him again as he’s the only guy I know of in this league with a serious cocaine problem.  Whiskey Frank, El Colach, and Tucker v. Tuckerson decided that they wanted to go fire-pit jumping.  Two things.  Yes, Rice brought a fire pit and that should surprise NO ONE.  Second, who wants to jump a fire pit?  Well, jump to the side of the fire pit more like it.  As a hanger on to these festivities I do have to note that this was the Ryan Vellia of fire pit jumping.  Kinda short, should be more interesting that it is, can only be done in the dark.  Rum was drunk.  Whiskey was not drunk cause it was not brought.  Maureen didn’t talk to anyone.  Mickey remembered what it was like to have fun.  The Tap Room showed up even though they didn’t order any hoagies and still ate them.  They should be called the Tap Ron from now on.  Ford left at 9:30 cause he “had a big day tomorrow.”  Soccer Meg showed up in the 7^th from being a WMLS star.  Buddy was bearded and happy that he almost didn’t lose.  Pickle didn’t show up cause he’s still briny somewhere.  Derm embarrassed himself and others.  Cousins had his first big boy beer.  Some other dudes did stuff.  Elmer didn’t show up cause he had to return several of his “adopted” children to the cellar under the stairs before dark.  Willmarth showed up for his last act in this league.  Pam played in her game for some reason.  Chandra didn’t get injured by the fire pit.  Phyllis and La Nice did sweaty beer soaked firepit scissoring.  Darkness fell asleep in the car.  Robbie and Denise were Robbie and Denise.  Fineman was pissed cause he went 0-4 against us.  Abt showed up in time for hoagiefest but not to play.  Maureen still didn’t talk to anyone. And did I mention that Nick stayed at the field till 6 am?  I’ve never seen the sun rise on Dairy 2 before, but I imagine that it’s a sad, depressing evaluating all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life decision.  Morning Rice is the worst.

Apparently, we played a game before all that.  Well, the Refugees played a game, the Phyllisless Collar did something else.  Unsure why.  Probably because the Catahoula blue and blue is an intimidating sight.  Or because Phyllis didn’t play.  Or because Cousins turned a double play by himself, the bastard.  For whatever reason (Ford), the Collar was not there usual selves and the final was something like 19-8 with them scoring 5 in the 7^th to make it that close.  A sloppy game all around, but the Refugees hit the ball well and made fewer (exception me) errors than their counterparts.  I’m still impressed that Bizarkness caught my line drive in the 6^th but I’ll get over it.  No wait, I harp on bad luck in coed softball leagues but I’ll just take it out on Twatwer in the quotes.  Carolyn had no hits cause we shut her down after watching her burn the Pencil for a walk off win Monday night.  El Colach thought he could teach me a lesson by hitting a ball right at me.  Odd decision.  Fineman is still sandy.  Danielle and Tap Room Casey had some big hits again.  This is becoming an odd but reassuring trend.  Derm pitched like he was going to prison right after….very slowly with some crying.  Tim didn’t make as many errors as you’d think.  Matty made no errors for a change (Verne still has wood for him no matter what).  And Renardo is black.  That pretty much summed up the game.

Ralph Kiner’s End Game Notes

·         This is the Refugee’s first career win over the Bishop’s Collar

·         This breaks Phyllis’ consecutive game streak at 852

·         This continues the Darkness consecutive pass out before 10 streak at 12,583 days

·         Ford’s a lot less sandy with a hoagie in his hand

·         Nevins is too cool for this league

·         Cousins is the best second baseman ever, just ask him

·         I made it the entire night without pooping

·         Moira pooped 3 times

·         Benson was dreaming of playing baseball with people he actually likes

·         Rice was dreaming of not playing with Benson

·         Pell fled to Brazil to escape war crimes

·         Skinner lost 10 large at the track and had her arm broke

·         Kyle Jacobs sang show tunes at home while judo chopping his lifesize Ray cutout

·         Elmer smashed, then felt guilty, then pillaged a small Norweigian village as Wunderwiley

·         Fleishanna didn’t show up because she was “tearing ass in the ‘pines.”

·         Tina showed up but had to leave cause Lynch performed an exorcism

·         Russ was there but nobody could see him

·         Ray had a personal best, longest time around Darryl without an erection

·         Twatwer failed his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on his beard

·         I also set a personal best, getting the most CCSL’ers to groan in disgust by reading the previous bullet point

·         Maureen didn’t talk to anyone

·         I’d like to say Phyllis’ boobs were POW.  But they were not.  They were merely Bam!  I expect too much sometimes

·         La Nice fed on several squirrels she found foraging near the fire pit.  Their bones were later collected by Gabor to make a necklace

·         For some dumbass reason, we did not have one single hoagie fight

·         The Zoo showed up and……oh, right, they didn’t show up

·         Verne touched Matty lightly, in the darkness of forever

·         Twatwer failed his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on his beard….I brought it back.  Boom!

·         Joey Fleishshoes begged me not to include him in the recap.  So I won’t.  Even though he’s a butt raping clown gremlin

Quotes from the Week

“Soccer is the most fun you can have when you have nothing else to do and want to feel like when you first heard Matlock was going off the air.”

Soccer Meg

“I hate you Nick.”

Pam

“I heart you Nick.”

Nick

“I can lick my own taint.”

Twatwer

“You’re a lucky woman, Moira.”

Somebody to Moira about me, clearly without any sarcasm

“I am not a butt raping clown gremlin!”

“Sure are!”

“My hair is insane, I can double as a scrub brush or Tucker’s box.”

Mickey

“Everyone come to my concert tonight or I’ll separate my shoulder again.”

Spence

“Weather.com says there’s only a 10% chance I’ll piss my pants tonight.”

Flynn

“What do vaginas look like?”

McElhattan

“I hate my team.  We almost lost to a team with a guy named Chippy.”

Ford

“I think her boobs were POW!”

Ed

“Who wants a moustache ride?”

Collar Mikey

“I don’t do anything anymore now that I’ve been Made!”

Donny Money right before being shoved into a trunk

“I can’t make the game tonight.  Momma’s gotta go watch the ponies.”

Skinner

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Brennan,  yes you do, buddy, yes you do

“What’s a four-letter word for utter hopelessness and despair coated with crabs and face gonorrhea?”
“Nick.”

Twatwer and Buddy

“I’m going through the 6 stages of grief right now.”

“Don’t’ you mean 5?”

“No, I’ve been through anger and acceptance, right now I’m in Derm.”

Phyllis and Spence

“Who wants to see Marigold hotel with me this weekend?”

“Go F yourself, hippie!”

Somebody from the Art Museum talking to a normal person

“I hate losing to Benson.”

Ray

“This is TJ Cousins’ cousin.”

“Hi, I’m small.”

Self-explanatory

“Who wants to do a body shot off me?”

Phyllis, as is tradition

“I will!”

Donlen, somewhere

“Honkies be trippin’”

White Renardo

“Tim, that’s racist.”

Black marino

“I sure hope Excel works the same in Chicago.”

Willmarth

“Supernintendo Al and the Tap Ron.”

Me, just now

“Remember when I had two knees.”

“Sure, remember when you weren’t a douche?”

Darkness and Rice

“I’m freakin’ pale even at night.”

Rice

“I miss Ryan and Nick.  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  I have Buddy now.  (Sigh)”

Mickowitz

“I did a great job organizing hoagiefest.”

Social chair Andrea