HOAGIEFEST 2012 has come and gone!
Wow, 2 days later and still
no blogs about Hoagiefest. Well, that’s
unfair. No “real” blogs about
Hoagiefest. Twatwer spewed out some gelatinous
goo from some orifice but nobody even noticed.
Kinda like a Marino. You never
notice them until they’re turning fly balls to right into homeruns. Just a lot of noise, sound and fury,
signifying nothing. Anyway, Hoagiefest
was a rousing success!!! And all thanks
to the lovely Phyllis. I will point out
two things first, we had leftover hoagies (WTF!) even though Ron wolfed down 5
by himself. And Phyllis changed the
origin of the hoagies from one magical Shangri-la of hoagies to some place that
confuses buffalo sauce with that stuff
that clings to your butt hairs when you haven’t showered for a couple of
days. Right Buddy? How awful is that? Seriously, Phyllis did a great job and
everyone needs to high five her boobs when they see her. Also punch La Nice in the berries and tell
her “Kyle Jacobs says hello.” That’ll be
fun too.
People stayed at the field
till 6 in the morning. And by people I
mean Nick, Cousins, Soccer Meg, 4 homeless people including Rice, and 2 girls
looking for El Colach. He had left
already. Said he needed to “lose a
kilo.” Don’t know what that means. I’ll have to ask Brett Favre when I see him
again as he’s the only guy I know of in this league with a serious cocaine
problem. Whiskey Frank, El Colach, and
Tucker v. Tuckerson decided that they wanted to go fire-pit jumping. Two things.
Yes, Rice brought a fire pit and that should surprise NO ONE. Second, who wants to jump a fire pit? Well, jump to the side of the fire pit more
like it. As a hanger on to these
festivities I do have to note that this was the Ryan Vellia of fire pit
jumping. Kinda short, should be more
interesting that it is, can only be done in the dark. Rum was drunk. Whiskey was not drunk cause it was not
brought. Maureen didn’t talk to
anyone. Mickey remembered what it was
like to have fun. The Tap Room showed up
even though they didn’t order any hoagies and still ate them. They should be called the Tap Ron from now
on. Ford left at 9:30 cause he “had a
big day tomorrow.” Soccer Meg showed up
in the 7th from being a WMLS star.
Buddy was bearded and happy that he almost didn’t lose. Pickle didn’t show up cause he’s still briny
somewhere. Derm embarrassed himself and
others. Cousins had his first big boy
beer. Some other dudes did stuff. Elmer didn’t show up cause he had to return
several of his “adopted” children to the cellar under the stairs before
dark. Willmarth showed up for his last
act in this league. Pam played in her
game for some reason. Chandra didn’t get
injured by the fire pit. Phyllis and La
Nice did sweaty beer soaked firepit scissoring.
Darkness fell asleep in the car.
Robbie and Denise were Robbie and Denise. Fineman was pissed cause he went 0-4 against
us. Abt showed up in time for hoagiefest
but not to play. Maureen still didn’t
talk to anyone. And did I mention that Nick stayed at the field till 6 am? I’ve never seen the sun rise on Dairy 2
before, but I imagine that it’s a sad, depressing evaluating all the bad
decisions you’ve made in your life decision.
Morning Rice is the worst.
Apparently, we played a game
before all that. Well, the Refugees
played a game, the Phyllisless Collar did something else. Unsure why.
Probably because the Catahoula blue and blue is an intimidating sight. Or because Phyllis didn’t play. Or because Cousins turned a double play by
himself, the bastard. For whatever
reason (Ford), the Collar was not there usual selves and the final was
something like 19-8 with them scoring 5 in the 7th to make it that
close. A sloppy game all around, but the
Refugees hit the ball well and made fewer (exception me) errors than their
counterparts. I’m still impressed that
Bizarkness caught my line drive in the 6th but I’ll get over
it. No wait, I harp on bad luck in coed
softball leagues but I’ll just take it out on Twatwer in the quotes. Carolyn had no hits cause we shut her down
after watching her burn the Pencil for a walk off win Monday night. El Colach thought he could teach me a lesson
by hitting a ball right at me. Odd
decision. Fineman is still sandy. Danielle and Tap Room Casey had some big hits
again. This is becoming an odd but
reassuring trend. Derm pitched like he
was going to prison right after….very slowly with some crying. Tim didn’t make as many errors as you’d
think. Matty made no errors for a change
(Verne still has wood for him no matter what).
And Renardo is black. That pretty
much summed up the game.
Ralph Kiner’s End Game Notes
·
This is the
Refugee’s first career win over the Bishop’s Collar
·
This breaks
Phyllis’ consecutive game streak at 852
·
This continues
the Darkness consecutive pass out before 10 streak at 12,583 days
·
Ford’s a lot
less sandy with a hoagie in his hand
·
Nevins is too
cool for this league
·
Cousins is the
best second baseman ever, just ask him
·
I made it the
entire night without pooping
·
Moira pooped 3
times
·
Benson was
dreaming of playing baseball with people he actually likes
·
Rice was
dreaming of not playing with Benson
·
Pell fled to Brazil to
escape war crimes
·
Skinner lost 10
large at the track and had her arm broke
·
Kyle Jacobs sang
show tunes at home while judo chopping his lifesize Ray cutout
·
Elmer smashed,
then felt guilty, then pillaged a small Norweigian village as Wunderwiley
·
Fleishanna
didn’t show up because she was “tearing ass in the ‘pines.”
·
Tina showed up
but had to leave cause Lynch performed an exorcism
·
Russ was there
but nobody could see him
·
Ray had a
personal best, longest time around Darryl without an erection
·
Twatwer failed
his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on
his beard
·
I also set a
personal best, getting the most CCSL’ers to groan in disgust by reading the
previous bullet point
·
Maureen didn’t
talk to anyone
·
I’d like to say
Phyllis’ boobs were POW. But they were
not. They were merely Bam! I expect too much sometimes
·
La Nice fed on
several squirrels she found foraging near the fire pit. Their bones were later collected by Gabor to
make a necklace
·
For some dumbass
reason, we did not have one single hoagie fight
·
The Zoo showed
up and……oh, right, they didn’t show up
·
Verne touched
Matty lightly, in the darkness of forever
·
Twatwer failed
his erection goal, lasting just 5 minutes after seeing Buddy get mayonnaise on
his beard….I brought it back. Boom!
·
Joey Fleishshoes
begged me not to include him in the recap.
So I won’t. Even though he’s a
butt raping clown gremlin
Quotes from the Week
“Soccer is the most fun you can have when you have
nothing else to do and want to feel like when you first heard Matlock was going
off the air.”
Soccer Meg
“I hate you Nick.”
Pam
“I heart you Nick.”
Nick
“I can lick my own taint.”
Twatwer
“You’re a lucky woman, Moira.”
Somebody to Moira about me, clearly without any
sarcasm
“I am not a butt raping clown gremlin!”
“Sure are!”
“My hair is insane, I can double as a scrub brush or
Tucker’s box.”
Mickey
“Everyone come to my concert tonight or I’ll separate
my shoulder again.”
Spence
“Weather.com says there’s only a 10% chance I’ll piss
my pants tonight.”
Flynn
“What do vaginas look like?”
McElhattan
“I hate my team.
We almost lost to a team with a guy named Chippy.”
Ford
“I think her boobs were POW!”
Ed
“Who wants a moustache ride?”
Collar Mikey
“I don’t do anything anymore now that I’ve been
Made!”
Donny Money right before being shoved into a trunk
“I can’t make the game tonight. Momma’s gotta go watch the ponies.”
Skinner
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Brennan, yes
you do, buddy, yes you do
“What’s a four-letter word for utter hopelessness and
despair coated with crabs and face gonorrhea?”
“Nick.”
Twatwer and Buddy
“I’m going through the 6 stages of grief right now.”
“Don’t’ you mean 5?”
“No, I’ve been through anger and acceptance, right
now I’m in Derm.”
Phyllis and Spence
“Who wants to see Marigold hotel with me this
weekend?”
“Go F yourself, hippie!”
Somebody from the Art Museum talking to a normal
person
“I hate losing to Benson.”
Ray
“This is TJ Cousins’ cousin.”
“Hi, I’m small.”
Self-explanatory
“Who wants to do a body shot off me?”
Phyllis, as is tradition
“I will!”
Donlen, somewhere
“Honkies be trippin’”
White Renardo
“Tim, that’s racist.”
Black marino
“I sure hope Excel works the same in Chicago.”
Willmarth
“Supernintendo Al and the Tap Ron.”
Me, just now
“Remember when I had two knees.”
“Sure, remember when you weren’t a douche?”
Darkness and Rice
“I’m freakin’ pale even at night.”
Rice
“I miss Ryan and Nick. Oh, wait, no I don’t. I have Buddy now. (Sigh)”
Mickowitz
“I did a great job organizing hoagiefest.”
Social chair Andrea
Biggest danger to society: constant episodes of the "green apple splatters"
