Finals baby!!!!!

Wow wow wow wow!  So much to get to.  First of all, the Tap Room lost a heartbreaker to the Collar 13-8 or something.  That is awesome, hilarious, and awesome.  Awesomely hilarious.  My favorite part of it was that it was like a 45 minute game and we found out about the outcome in like the 4^th inning of our game.  All because The Blogfather^TM  was “old manning” at 35 mph on the left lane of the highway with his turn signal on and we had to start late.  Irregardless, the Catahoula Refugees go to the finals of the CCSL for the first time in team history.  Coach Nick takes a rookie team with no playoff experience to the finals and we’ll have to see whether the experience of the Collar wins out over the youth of the Refugees.  Either way it’ll be fun!  Yay sports fun shots!

Edgely 8, Monday July 30^th.  Collar at the MF’ing Refugees.  Everyone who reads this rag should attend.  The Blogfather^TM will be umping and will be sandy from his Saturday 8 a.m. game.  On to the recap.

So, we played the Fart Machine for the 4^th straight year in the playoffs (oh, that’s right, we have never been to the playoffs before because Buddy asked for the records).  Irregardless, we won this game 17-10 or something, and it was really close for 4 innings, then not close.  That’s how it goes.  The score was 6-4 after the 4^th inning on a lack of offensive spark by the Fugees and some calls that did not go our way.  The game tilted in our favor early due to two uncharacteristic misplays by the Farts which I’ll get to.  The first inning saw the Fart not score as Whiskey Frank ended it on a Timberly catch (3^rd career) with a runner at second.  The Refugees scored a big fat 3 runs on a Matty single, me single, Nick sac fly, and Cousins seeing-eye single that hopped over the Darkness’s glove.  The third run scored on a Danielle base knock.  The Fart scored 1 in the 2^nd to cut it to 3-1 then a couple of things happened.  What should have stayed 3-1 ended up 6-1 after an inning ending force out to second when past new female secondbasegirl for the Fart.  I’m guessing nerves and the stress of the situation.  That allowed me to come up with a run in 2 on and 2 outs.  Here, instead of singling through the right side with the outfield playing me Ogredepth, I crushed a ball to right center directly to the shift.  Instead of running the ball out like a veteran of the playoffs should, I threw the bat down in disgust and walked to first, thinking I had ended the inning.  The ball was misplayed by the Pirate outfielder and I ended up on 3^rd instead of scoring…which I did not do that inning.  Could have cost us.  Would have put us up 7-1 and that could have been the game.  Dumb.  However, we did cash 3 runs in when we should have had none.  Zing!  Then it got interesting.  A couple of calls went the Fart’s way and they tightened the score to 6-4 as we failed to score in the next two innings.  Stressful.  Then Renardo showed up….eventually, and as any Black Marino does, started off the 5^th with a single, followed by and Adam single, then my single, then Nick’s single, then Cousin’s single, then Pete’s single……First 7 hitters in the inning scored.  13-4.  And that was the game.  Frank double fisted whiskey bottles, Ray threw his glove, Rice punched the secondbase girl then sat in the back seat of Andrea’s car waiting to be driven home, Darryl showed up and asked Ray why he didn’t play, Kaleef had open back surgery, Kyle stabbed 4 people then wrote a play about it, the Darkness  well, that’s another story, Bearded Jeans Guy shaved put on some Khakis and got a real job hippie!, The Blogfather^TM started drinking, and the team celebrated a playoff win.  First in team history.  Yay sports go team win!  Gotta hit better overall on Monday and shore up some communication on relays and throwing to bases.  Other than that, great win team!

Quotes from the Playoff Wins!

Dammit!

Ray

Why the hell am I in right field?

Benson

Rice just got an FUI, fielding under the influence

This space is for friends and relatives of the team, Buddy.  Go to your practice.

Why isn’t Nick in your starting outfield?    kyle

He is, he’s Ben G.    me

That’s still funny to me.  Rice

I have THE BEST story for you guys

Mickey

I’m gonna end this game with a seed right back at the pitcher

Camel

Pop Pop!

Magnitude, somewhere

I was in rehab for the Yips

Cousins

I can’t play this week cause I had my knees broken.

Skinner

This was the Pencil’s year!  How did it go so badly?  Oh, yeah, Nevins made 3 games.

Blogfather^TM

We gonna get so drunk after our games next week

Collach

What’s the weather forecast for Monday?

Flynn

I never have any quotes in these things but I’m still in lesbians with Matty.

Adam

Why am I not in the finals?

Whiskey Frank, said in a Nic Cage voice that sounds like drunk hooked on phonics

They were definitely pow today.

Phyllis

I want to stab Nick in the face.

Ray, Kyle, Rice, throw a rock

Nobody on the Refugees was small enough for me to headlock

Darkness

And the Playoffs Continue

And the playoffs continue.  Despite a little bit of rain last night, both games were able to be played despite Benson driving to Edgely to inform all teams that they were not playing because of the rain.

So let’s see what happened, shall we?  How were my predictions.  Let’s start with the Collar/Pencil game.  I was able to watch parts of this game from my own game on Edgely 7 (worst field ever) and it appeared like it was a Collar blowout.  Actually, the game was much closer and the Collar won 14-6.  I picked them at 18-8 so I was pretty close.  But, as we know, close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, Little League umpiring, moneyshots, and Kyle’s restraining orders.  The game was apparently closer than the score dictated and the Pencil was missing both Nevins and Marcus.  This made for a very sad Panda/Blogather.  Would have been interesting to see how the game would have played out with them.  The Collar was also missing Flynn who was still exhausted from his Flynntastic Weekend.  Congratulations buddy!  Hope nobody threw rice at your wedding because as we all know, rice attracts birds, and the natural predator of these birds is a roving torrential lightning storm.  Hope you were careful and your tuxedo was made out of rubber.

The second game was the Fart/Zoo game.  This is currently the most bitterest rivalry in all of the CCSL and also led the league in most 300 word narratives concerning onfield behavior.  Unfortunately for us, but fortunately for those involved, neither scenario I depicted yesterday occurred, no one was maimed, and the Fart won 31-6 or something gross.  A lot of bitter sentiment in that game and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to giggle at it.  See Whiskey Frank’s blog for all the saucy details.   I’m hoping there’s at least 5 paragraphs about Pickle’s umpiring. 

So for today, we have the defending asshole/champs hosting the Collar and we are heavily rooting for the Collar.  And the league favorite defenders of the free world and onfield champale drinking Refugees host the Fighting Rays.  And we get Edgely 8.  Cause we’re cool.  Let’s do the Collar at the Supernintendo Alvin and the Ball Taps first.  This game is on Dairy 2 I believe.  Enjoy the sun fellas and chickies.  Aside from us, the Collar is the only other team that gives the Ball Tap headaches.  If they can score a couple of runs early and then tack on, they have a chance to get the crazy out of the Ball Tap and win the game.  If it’s close, I give the edge to the Collar.  The Collar’s defense is improved from last year and the offense is coming around (Mikey D had 2 homers yesterday….and a thick porn moustache!)  Realistically, I think the Champs pull this out by 5, 16-11.  Benson yells at the umpire, who’s like Mickey or something, Al hurts all 1 of his hamstrings and somewhere Blonde Benson claps out loud to himself while streaming the game on ESPN 3.  Sorry Phyllis, prove me wrong.  Pow!

Now our game.  Which is the CCSL game of the week cause I want it to be and I get to decide these things.  We host the Fart Machine on Edgely 8.  I make us the favorite but not a heavy favorite.  I make us a 7 point fav and say we win 19-12.  Very similar to our last score.  All hands are on deck for the Refugees including Vellia, who’s flying in expecting to play, but will be summarily removed from the lineup before the game when Ray notices that he has played in 0 sanctioned CCSL games this year.  He’s already begun writing the requisite 300 word narrative.  But, this is a playoff game with competitive juices flowing and any team that puts up 31 in the playoffs should be taken seriously…even if they have Kyle…and Rice.  Kyle Rice sounds like the name of a porn star…..clearly one with AIDS.  I’m a microbiologist, I can make those jokes.  Here’s your starting 9 fielders, though the lineup is missing Derm which is a good thing or at least a less drunk thing.  And to quote Nevins, “when you hit the ball to Derm, hilarity ensues.”  True words.  Rich and compelling.  Outfield is Pete, Ben G., Matty, and Renardo left to right.  Verne, myself, TJ Cousins, and Cathleen infield.  Danielle behind the plate, and the old crusty veteran on the mound.  No big surprises.  Nothing that we haven’t played with all year.  A solid, ruggedly handsome lineup except for Cousins who looks like a highway motel bathmat.  19 runs should be a breeze for this team.  Then, after it’s over, we get to watch a Darkness, Kyle, Whiskey Frank, Ray deathmatch for who gets to make the lineups next year.  Popcorn and sangria will be provided by the CCSL League Home.  And yes, Timberly, you will play tonight, I haven’t forgotten you.  Ugh, these marinos are so freakin’ needy.

Everyone have fun tonight!  Nazi Pell may be in attendance.  Who the hell knows though, she’s a Nazi.

Playoff Preview Penis

The extra penis is for alliteration....and it will make Phyllis "pee her pants."  These pants will then be on sale through the CCSL league office for $18.99.

Well my blogfather told me that my blog sucked, which we all knew, then he made me cut a blogswitch and took me behind the blogbarn to be blogflogged till my buttcheeks were blog red.  Blog.  So instead of masturbating, playing some playstation, and going to bed in a different room than my wife, I'm up writing this crap. Also, I just saw Batman.....and loved it!  More on that in a minute.  Anyway, next week (i.e. tomorrow) is the start of the playoffs and will feature the league's first expanded playoff systems, dubbed the Oberlins. before the normal format can begin.

Here's a look ahead with predictions.

Game 1.  Zoo versus the Fart Machine

Wow, first of all, I'm obviously biased in this game but don't really know which way.  I have several good friends on the Fart Machine and I know Rice so I don't know if I'm rooting for them to win or lose.  Oh, wait, yeah, it has to be lose.  I was asked earlier what would happen if the Fighting Oberlins won.  Here are the two scenarios.

Scenario 1.  Zoo blows out the Fart.  Zoo is away so the Fart Museum hits last.  On the last out, made by Ray of course, a pop up lands in Oberlin's glove in shallow left.  Ray takes the bat and immediately decapitates the Zoo 1st baseman.  Whiskey Frank is coaching first and is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head.  Whilst trying to give Frank a single wall enema, Rice and the Darkness pull Ray off the unconscious Frank.  This is the key point because while touching Ray, the Darkness gets infused with a true taste of what's it's like to be pissed off and turns into the Super Darkness.  He grows 10 feet in size, gets bright red eyes, breathes fire, yet still can't pay for shots at the bar.    He goes off and destory much of downtown Camden and gets a reality sitcom show on Fox.  It gets mild reviews.  Ray gets therapy, Rice goes to bed early, and Oberlin drives to Nick's house to break his legs.

Scenario 2.  Zoo wins in a close game.  Plays much like Scenario 1, except with minor changes.  First, the last hitter in the 7th in this scenario is Kyle because, well, it OBVIOUSLY has to be Kyle.  Kyle ground to the pitcher to end the game.  Upon the out, several things happen:  Kyle begins arguing with everyone else about he actually didn't end the game, that his was a base hit, that you don't know how to play the game and that it was Ray's fault he was not batting in his more natural spot in the order which is some other spot.  Rice immediately dies on the spot due to alcohol underpoisoning, Frank pull out a make shift spear and "Cage in 300's" Oberlin.  The rest of it is the obvious Ray bloodbath much like scenario 1.

But seriously, I would love a Zoo victory, but they have little chance in this.  I don't think it's a blowout, unless Bearded Jeans Guy gets a shave and some Dockers, but the Fart wins and plays us Tuesday.  I pick this game Fart by 7.  15-8


Game 2.  Blogfathers at Collar.

What a difference a week makes.  I made the Collar my pick'em winner against the Pencils last week and they responded by trouncing the Ford by 20 runs.  Silly.  Now I don't know what to think.  Actually, I do.  Collar wins this game.  I'm sorry, Ford, I'm rooting for you guys in your first playoff game in 5 years (better than the Zoo!  First playoff game since I've been alive).  A lot of friends in this game and I generally root for both teams.  I'd like the Pencil to win but I don't really think they can beat the Ball Taps.  I think the Collar can but it doesn't really matter much.

What will happen in this game?  Apparently, Marcus quit.  Sad.  Pencil needs huge contributions by their studs in this.  How can they win?  The Collar have better overall hitters and better defense, in my opinion.  They do not have much in the way of power, however.  Here the Pencil has more.  Abt is the only true power hitter on the Collar while Pencil boasts Nevins, Lynch (2009 version only), 60% of Donlen, 4% Russ, and Miller when fair.  These 5 players will have to score 10 runs so they can win 13-9.  That's just how it is.  Also, the Blogfather needs to play the ENTIRE game even though he'll be sandier than Nick's vagina on vacation in the Sahara.  Sadly, I don't see a Pencil win.  I see a sound Collar win by 10.  18-8.

Game 3.  Which Batman movie was the best?

Tonight's Batman movie was awesome.  But it was not the best.  My wife and I disagreed which of course means that I'm right.  I rank them 2-1-3.  She ranks them 1-3-2 or something, I wasn't listening, I thought she was talking about shoes. Apparently, people did not like the 2nd movie as much which is silly because Heath Ledger should have won the Oscar for it.  Hands down.  It was fantastic.  The first movie was great because it was such a welcome departure from the shitty Total Recall-y world where Seal sings every song and superheroes always wear Sigfriend and Roy ostentatious colors.  Single handedly killed Chris O'Donnell's career.  No wait, Circle of Friends and his acting in general did that.  Bane in the 3rd movie was so much better than expected.  Though it was wildly inaccurate I didn't even care.  And I had to remind myself at the end that I just watched an Anne Hathaway movie.  That's how not terrible she was.  I'd say she was good, but, well, she wasn't.  but she wasn't terrible and deserves the Keanu Reeves acting award...given posthumously. So yeah, 2-1-3 and all were great....just like the Starship Troopers trilogies.

Best Batman villains
Joker
Scarecrow
Bane
300 other ones
Riddler
Poison Ivy
Phyllis
Jared from Subway

Week 14 Picks. POW! (more like bang.)

Monday                                                                                      O/U

Playoff Tune up Game of the Week                                                                          

Sputterin’ Rays at the Winstreak Buddys+8                                                              28

Red Headed Step Child Cut Me a Switch Game of the Week

Bad Touch+14 at the Belmont Tap Room                                                                 26

Tuesday

CCSL Game of the Week

Collar the Pen and Pencil Hair Salon   It’s a Ford ‘em!                                              21

CCSL Grill Game of the Week

1 for their last 2 Franklin+13 at the Refugees                                                            42

Game with no Beef or Playoff importance of the Week

PickleButtPats+11  at the Angry Joeys                                                                      29

Nick’s Anal Bum Covers of the Week

 Sputtering Rays -8 and the under.

Belmont Tap -14 and the under.
Pencil OUTRIGHT!
Refugees -13 and the under.
Angry Joeys -11 and the under. 

The Darkness’ Cotton Candy Capers of the Week

Art and the under.
Tap and the under.
Collar and the under.
Refugees and the under.
Picklebuttpats and the under.

Fart Machine Poo Poo

***I wrote this two weeks ago and didn't get to finish it, cuz, you know, I was gettin' marrified and all.  So just be thankful with what you get.  I'm on a beach, please annoy Nick instead.

Very very VERY delayed recap after our game against our Oberlin-mandated rivals, the Philadelphia Fart Machine.  But, as I’m getting married in 3 days, you can all go fornicate yourselves with an iron stick.  But let’s move on, shall we?  Only 9 Refugees showed up to the contest and that was regrettable.  Almost had to start with the out for only having 8 but Pete showed up just in time to give us the 9 we needed.  Yay!  Where was Cousins?  No Fing idea.  What stupid ass cousin misses a game against his cousin’s cousin’s cousin?  What a pederast!   It’s just dumb.  Dumb like getting married without a Massi prenup.  Dumb like going to Twatwer’s BBQ.  Dumb like showing up to the orgy with a bunch of your buddies two hours early.  Yeah, dumb.  And once again we were without Skinner who was chasing the ponies.  Text from her says she lost 3 beaks.  No idea what that means.

Well, the game was an interesting one to say the least.  Rice showed up 5 innings late after watching 2 hours of Phyllis driving.  He said he can’t get the images out of his head.  A lot of what happened is strange to me.  In the 5^th inning, the Darkness touched me and I didn’t climb out of the bitter barn for a good solid 2 days.  That stuff is powerful.  What set me off was the fact that Rice maliciously and willfully broke my glove.  Sandbox Olympics followed.  Otherwise, the game was a smashing success for team Refugee against the Farts.  19-14 final.  19 runs is solid especially from a depleted 9 man squad.   Everybody had at least 2 hits I think including outfield-assisted doubles for both myself and Nick.  Thank you Fart Machine outfield which did not show up for the game.  Pete made the only 3-6-3 double play I’ve ever been a part of in softball.  It was pretty spectacular.  Cousins did not have the yips because he didn’t show up.  I don’t know where he was but I get an image of the movie Hostel every time I think about it.  The Black Marino was his typical self with a couple of knocks in key situations as was Verne.  Highlight for me was Nick falling down the outfield hill chasing a fly ball.  He looked like a dolphin trying to hump a lantern.  Graceful.  Whiskey Frank realized he can’t hit a ball past me at short.  Ray decided to demote his entire outfield to AA Camden Fart Machine.  Darryl was traded to the Bad Touch for a couple of bases and the Paul Reiser Couplehood book.  Bearded Jeans Guy played a lock down outfield except whenever Ray was nearby.

And we won...to finish our sweep of the rivals.  And we get to play them a third time (likely) for the 4th year in a row.  Terrific.

Week 12 Picks, ba'zing!

Monday
                                                                over/under
CCSL Game of the Week
Ball Taps at Pencils +9                                                  27

Zoo+11 at Refugees                                                      23


Tuesday
CCSL Grill Night!

Bad Touch+8 at Refugees                                            25
Ball Taps at the Counting Favres+16                           31


Nick's Not Enough Bandwidth Disappointments of the Week (12-7)


Ball Tap to cover and the over
Refugees to cover and the over
Refugees to cover with the over
Favres with the points and the under




The Darkness' Tina Liverspot Choices of the Week (4-4)