Well, has this been a long time coming? One week away. So much to discuss, so little space, so little gin, so little Russ. First of all, Flynn learned how to photoshop. Took a picture of me and put it on his mom's prom picture. That's just rude.
There's only one fair way to preview this season, which I'm tha-rilled about. And that's to do it team by team. With pictures, racist and sexist references, and naked pictures of Tina....and Derm....together. Is shingles sexually transmitted? I know the answer, do you? And while you're picturing that pair, I'll pause 20 seconds for nausea and vomiting.
The Franklin Institute
Oh the whelps. There has been a
lot of offseason talk about trades. Most involve Maureen, Ed,
Mickey, a
pile of wet naps, 5 get out of mouth-kissing free cards, Phyllis'
training bra leaf pressings, and a pack of Magnum Trojans. Buddy bought
a house...they moved in in February. It already smells like farts,
failure, and that odd smell of toe fungus and dead porcupines. Wiggs
lives in the basement.
Let's flush this team out some more. Still
terrible. But....wait, no but. This is a 2-win team. 2-16. But let's
make fun of some people. Mickey will still look longingly at what might
have been (either Catahoula or Pam, depends on your take). Malloy will
still flock to anything with a shot and a cross. Magnitude will "pop
pop" all the way to a .350 OBP. Buddy and Wiggs will finally
consummate, ending poorly with Wiggs getting a "hair job." Candy will
still get 3/4 length sleeves that look like ass lice. Barb will like me
more and more despite my honky-ness. Brett Favre will continue to send
naked pics to Nick. Deb will act like I don't know her. And they'll
score 5 runs a game and celebrate like they just got Sega Dreamcast.
Pop Pop! 2-16
The Bad Touch/Some fucking place I've never heard of
The Bad Touch merged with some team to form a super some team that will still finish 3-15 and lead the league in onfield arguments. Catahoula will be 2nd, Benson will be 3rd. Seriously, I know 5 people on this team and yet 12 members have a picture of me on their dartboards. Those pictures have no holes in them of course, which is why they will be 3-15.
Constitution Pickles
Twatwer's a nice guy. No
seriously, I know what the tabloids say, but that goat was asking for
that half 'n' half. And then there's Pickle. Who doesn't want to be
called Pickle. Which, of course, means that he'll never not be called
Pickle. Apparently he got married. Who knows, it wasn't on this blog
so it's not real. Old Cucumbers are weird. And, I'm excited to say,
Nick's nemesis is on this team. Don't know his name, but he robbed Vee
of an HR and hit a bomb over an aging Vee to seal the 10-1 loss. Better
believe there'll be a spotlight on him this year. If no one tells me
who he is, then you get another pedestrian blog post about Ray. And
it'll be your fault. Record 3-15.
The Zoo
Well, CO abstained on the Phyllinitiative to add
5 games to the schedule. That's about it. They keep it lock and key
in the offseason ever since Pony Tail Ken died of auto-erotic
asphyxiation. Nick was there. His last words were, "shut up Teller."
Also they have a guy named Adam. He plays short. He's nice. I'm sure
he was cut. Record: 8-10.
Fleisher Fart Fuseum
Nikki and Joe got married! Congrats! Guess who's a citizen???? No, not Tina, she's dead. Seriously, if this league came down to being crazy, breaking arms and rakework, this team would be #1 every year. Or, if you get hit in the boobs you win! No wonder Phyllis proposed this rule at the meeting. Makes sense. Moving on, Joey has a beard and is crazy, but Johanna told me not to write that so I won't. I don't want her to get slapped. Tina found a castle in Edinburgh to haunt. Nikki has a Merle from Walking Dead arm complete with knife and anti-Ed rape whistle. That's how we roll in the 'pines....with government subsidies and rotten maize. Joe G got a pool-skimmer for his birthday. By got, I mean found. Ooooh, I almost forgot. Blog favorite Kyle Jacobs defected to the Fleisher to "be with his cousin." When asked for a comment about such a betrayal, Fart Museum Captain Ray said, "I didn't know that kind of love was legal in this state." Seriously, nobody has any idea why any of this happened. 9-9.
Fart Museum
This team has lost so many people over the years, you won't if Ray has a Walmsly necklace made out of ex-player's eyelids. There has to be a reason so many players are fleeing en masse? Oh, right, the Darkness....and adult SIDS which I guess could be acronymed as AIDS? Bizarre. Can't be Kyle anymore, that van has sailed.
You can find him at a musical put on by Joe G called Guantanamara or some shit. Rice has another major injury to a muscle he wasn't born with. I know I speak for Peter Griffin, Rice, when I say, "who the hell cares?" Put Whiskey Frank at short like you always do when you're a pussy or have Phyllis driver's ed. Whatever. I still think Ray wills this team to an over .500 record, but maybe I'm a sucker. Who's in the outfield now to tell Khaleef to play super deep and hit the ball as soft as possible. This isn't the same team. Where in Allah's name is Bearded Jeans Guy? At least Barb still runs 20 miles pregame. She's the shit. Ask Ford. Record 11-7.
The Bishops Collar
Phyllis, boobs. Check. La Nice, boobs. Check. Collach, crazy, bad at Mortal Kombat, check.
Abt? Gone. Jake? gone. Robbie? Still there, batting 7th this year
due to too many kids and too nice of a wife. Can't have it. Donnie
Money, gone. Doug, gone. Bandana Frank? Gone. CHOP Gone. Who the
hell is on this team anymore. Apparently, they've added Christian Steve
and some other people that won't make them better. 2nd place last
year, but a lot of losses this year. And unless Denise comes back and
starts thumbing-out eyes, there are a lot of question marks. Can
Fineman be less terrible? Can Walmsly avoid prosecution? Can Collach
jump a larger fire? Can Elia wrestle playing time away from Carolyn?
Can La Nice sleep with a guy without digesting his body from the
outside? So many questions. Record 11-7.
Pen and Pencil Show Me Yours Club
Well, they lost Marcus, we think, who the hell knows, could change by the end of this drink. That's a big loss to a playoff team. This team is really hoping that flu season goes later and 8 roster spots open up. They need an influx of something other than Viagra or Lynch. Ha ha, yo, have you tried this dick risin' pill? The zebras at the zoo were so surprised! My man! No, it's not weird, they were drugged. Nevins is reading this right now, "he's all over the place. I don't get any of these references. Who's Phyllis?" Well said. What else? Rubin hates the gays. Like Walmsly hates. Russ is excited about walking through the halls of Pencil U not worried about Marcus giving him an atomic wedgie. Brennan still won't buy beer for the year. Yasenko is pissed about gettting beaten by Iron Man at Monaco. McElroy still takes photos with a camera that's not turned on. This is a bizarre team. My prediction is Ford's mass murder suicide happens at Hoagiefest. 6-12 funeral pyres. Record 12-6.
The South Philly Al Room
Benson is the new acting coach after a team-long "not-it" where everyone except Elmer said they didn't want to coach. Lot of love on that team. It's like a hug, wrapped in bacon, covered in warm toast, smothered in fresh-out-of-the-dryer-towels and then raped by Kyle. No new additions, same team. Al will make half the games, Benson will pull a zen-master Jeremy and will this team to the playoffs. Too much talent on the roster, despite the in house fighting. Fishtown Benson will show up for 3 games and swear he was there for all of them. They'll add players and then cut them. Massive Headwound Aaron will show up without his helmet, run into Pam's dog, and be out 20 months. Carol will be nice to be 20% of the time. Swede will try to put any of his eight children into right field. Joe K will fight Al for the right to wear a gay visor. Record 16-2.
Catahoula Champions
Yes, I know, it's pretentious. But it's my blog, I've been writing for an hour, and we are......Nick?
6-time champs! Boom. Nothing else needed. Nick would have us 18-0, I'll be conservative.
Record 17-1. Pop Pop!
Fart Museum +5 at South Philly Ogres o/u 18 me
