That's right, a recap!

It's been a while since I wrote a game recap and I'd like to thank everyone who points that fact out to me....constantly.  I'm going to have to tread very carefully here as these blogs now have a tendency to start wars between teams.  I'll have a lawyer (a real one not Russ) look over my post after I write it to edit out any references to Whiskey ###### and the #### Museum or the Please Touch #######.  First, let's look around the league at what we missed.  Aside from the Email-ocaust between aforementioned rascals, there were some games with obvious playoff implications.  Most recently, the Fleisher narrowly lost to the Pencilhattans.  I say they lost not that the Pencil won because, well, I was the game.  If I could have given out two losses I would have.  Neither team wanted to win but the Fleisher wanted to not win just that much more.  That's playoff softball!  Dedication, devotion, and turning all the nighttime into the day.  Kyle Jacobs played a lock down short against Nevins who couldn't solve that pesky hit it to the grass approach.  And Brennan saved the game with a leaping catch on a high throw from Donlen that reached nearly 4 feet at its apex.  The Blogfather said he wasn't going to play and then pitched the whole game in a shrewd tactical maneuver that baffled the Fleisher Band Circle.  Really thought the Circle was gonna show up after a narrow miss (8-5) against the Collar the week before.  Fleisher, looking like an early favorite for the 3 seed after beating the Fart ###### earlier is now looking like the .500 team I picked early in the year.  But kudos to the Pencil for winning the game they needed to win.

And on to our game
Most competitive game we've played in years and I mean that by number of good plays and good hits, not just by score alone.  18-16 good guys over the Elmer Twelve.  Seriously, Elmer put like 7 people on that team in an effort to usurp power from Alvin or Benson or whatever puppet regime is "running things."  Things looked dire in the top of the first when the Ball Taps singled, singled, then one of the Ogres hit a bomb to right center field that cleared the bases.  3-0, no outs, long night.  But then, Ed took his ginseng and settled down.  Ogre fly out to left, Camel fly out, hit, Benson ground out or something.  3 runs.  We scored three in the bottom of the 1st, 2 with no out and 2 outs after The Management decided to hit a sac fly to right with one out...foul.  Some called it a foolish ploy.  Others called it a stroke of genius.  The latter group was much smaller.  The game went back and forth and most of the time Catahoula was up.  We were actually up by 6 at one point 12-6 but again elected to hemorrhage that lead like Walmsly with a victim's open head wound.  So after a neck and neck battle, it was tied going into the bottom of the 6th.  We clawed together some hits, and put two on the board.  That set the stage for the 7th.  Trailing by two runs with the bottom of the order up, there was a pop out to left, a ground out to second and then Joey Whiteshoes came to the plate with 2 outs, none on, down by 2.  He laced a single to left center field.  The Nicktatorship quickly got to the ball and threw a bullet to second whereupon, shockingly, Whiteshoes was coming in hot, trying to stretch it into a double.  What transpired was one of the weirder scenes in slowpitch softball.  Being the careful tactician that he is, the Management received the throw in plenty of time, moved several steps in front of the bag to meet the runner who had yet to slide, placed his foot in the area that was likely to block the foot and applied the tag in plenty of time.  Now I don't like to use the words "ridiculously out" very often so I won't.  Instead I'll use the term "unquestionably, incontrovertibly out."  Now, some say Camels have terrible night vision, others say they're completely blind and move around by following a gradient of horse semen odor.  Either way, the Camel initially throws up an out sign...then says "but he was safe" and puts out the safe sign.  To which, those of us on the field said, "you're kidding right?" To which he puts up the out sign again....and says but he was under it so he was safe.  But I'm calling him out on principle....but he was safe.  This went on for quite a bit as no one understood a) what the call was b)why he was being asstarded and c) whether we should still be on the field.   Still have no idea.  Waiting for the replays on CCSLbaseball later today.  Which should show how out he was despite what Adam convinced himself of just to be difficult.  Game over.  Big win.  Championship implications.  And all without Pete....and Skinner...and Vellia.

Quotes from the week

"I had a role of penises that were more satisfying."
-La Nice

"Ryan has a small penis."
-No one ever

"Let's go Germ: the Irish Hepatitis C."
-someone about Derm

"Don't go in the portapotty, you'll get Hep C."
"No, Derm, you don't.  That's Hep A."
Me and Derm, utilizing my 8 years of post-college schooling for the first time ever

"Phyllis ran here because she's wet."
Ford

"We used to have a good blog."
Bunch of people, incorrectly.  It was never good.

"Doesn't seem any different from his other poops.  I wouldn't worry.  He doesn't appear to be in any pain.  He was in a good mood all day and went right to sleep with no problems."
Jess about Derm

"I'm holding our Chess game ransom until you update the shitty blog."
Lot of Derm quotes today

"Pickle don't play me no more."
Twatwer

"I hate the fucker  ########### and his whiny shitty blog."
#########

"Come on teams!  We can all make up at the Full Moon Rallye this weekend."

"It's like a Harry Potter convention with all these Ogres."
Matty Matty Matty

"He's very safe, Ryan."
"You're drunk."

Week 5 picks for Derm

Monday
Fleisher at Pencil +3
Zoo at Mickles Buddy Scratch n Sniff +12
Pickles +11 at Collar

Tuesday
CCSL Game of the Week
Ball Taps+2 at Catahoula
Fart at Zoo+5
Mickles at Bad Green Touch+5

Week 4 Picks....well, half of them.

Tuesday games.

Catahoula Fightin's at the Twatwers +14
Fart Ray Solids at Gardeners +3
Ball Tap Elmers at 1-4 Collar +7

Don't worry that it's nipply outside.

Hey Phyllis, I said nipply.

On T-shirts in 5...4...3...

Games 3 and 4, recaps! Now with 30% more dry sarcasm.

Fun week.  First game was a 14-4 battle against the Bad Touch with a new name.  Yup, same entire team but they changed their name to accommodate people who aren't playing this year.  Sounds like Buddy.  Full summaries below along with a look around the league.

Game 1
At Lake Belmont (trademark, the Blogfather) we battled 9 on 9 into well into the night.  Took them relatively lightly, and played to have fun, so of course we're up 5-4 in the 6th.  Nick was nervous, you could see him sweating through his younger sister's shirt.  Timmeh was nervous, you could tell because he was in the field.  Renardo was nervous.  Actually, I have no idea if he was, I've only seen two emotions from that guy: fun loving and mild annoyance at my occasional discriminatory remarks.  I hate leadoff hitters.  Derm was nervous.  We know that cause he was eating a salad.  Ed was nervous, but because he got his urinalysis report back.  But I wasn't nervous.  We put up 5 and 4 runs to put it away and move to 3-0 on the young but Phyllis-long season.  Fun game.  Bad Touchers Adam, Courtney, and new coach Somebody enjoyed the game.

Game 2
What to say about this game.  13-12, your fighting Catahoula Refugees over the Fart Police.  What's really interesting is that we were down 12-5 in the bottom of the 7th.  Yup, you read that right.  And don't mention it to Ray Solid if you see him.  He may rip your face off, La Nice-style.  Typical well-defensed game early being something like 5-4 in the 5th.  Something like that.  We hit into 3 double plays, Rice played superb defense AFTER his 2 errors to start the game.  Then the wheels fell off the bus for Catahoula, couple of runs in the 6th and then 4 or 5 in the 7th powered by our inability to understand that Rice can hit a ball to left field.  Seriously, like a kid who's bad with shapes, solve the fucking puzzle already!!!!  Anywho, our team didn't hit too well for the first 6 innings, but give them credit, they always play good defense against us.  But then in the 7th.  A pitching change to TJ Cousin's Cousin's Cousin's Cousin.  From now on he shall be referred to as TJ Cousin's Cousin's Cousin's Cousin. Not sure on the order, but let's just say everyone hit.  And we still have 2 outs!  We'll use those next time we play.  Tim hit, Cathleen hit, Derm hit a fly ball that could/might/should/maybe/ have been caught/Ed hit/ new girl Jenna hit/ somebody out/   Then all of a sudden, leadoff Renardo is up with 1 out and 1 on, down by 3.  Single.  So now I represent the tying run at the plate.  Everything is ridiculously silent.  And hilarious.  I double off the bag to right field.  One of two ground balls that just got out of reach.  2nd and 3rd, down by 1.  Adam........double.  Runners on 2nd and 3rd 1 out, tie game.  Nick????  single.  Game over.  Scored 8 in the bottom of the 7th.  Crazy ending.  Farts very unhappy.  Yay!


In other news, The Collar got creampied by the Pencil.  0-3 yay!  But then them Cleveland Steamer'd the Franklin so they're 1-3.  They play the Tap Room in a must win next week.  I say must win, because Phyllis will start ripping off penises if they lose another game.

Week 3 Lines

Monday

CCSL Game of the Week!
Fighting Fords at Phyllisless Collar+2 o/u 23
Forfeiteers+14 at Catahoula o/u 25Zoo+8 at Ball Taps o/u 28

Tuesday

Ray Solid and the Farts +6 at Catahoula o/u 26
Fleisher Band Circle at the Pickles+12  o/u 30
Phyllisful Collar at Super Serial Buddies+8 o/u 22

Game 1 and 2 recaps!

Week 1 blog post.  Fail.  Week 2 gambling lines.  Fail. Week 2 blogpost, on time!  Win. I'll take what I can get and a big suck it Derm!
Game 1 win against the Academy of Natural Sciences 22-10.  Oh, wait, that was the Collar?  I recognized the uniforms but I didn't see anybody I remembered from the championship game last year.  Strange.  Also, it was like 22-3 going into the 7th or some shit.  I have a hazy recollection of this game as I again hurt myself in April and had to watch most of the game from the beer cooler.  Which is not a bad place to be.  Let's see, well, the Collar has 14 women now so Phyllis only gets to throw out the ceremonial first pitch.  Christian Steve can't hit the ball in the air.  El Colach can't hit the ball to the outfield.  Robbie seems to be funnier this year for some reason. La Nice chewed off the face of a Puerto Rican boy.  Good times.

The Good
Big first win.  Good offensive showing despite having a big left handed hitting slap hitter.  Narragansett beers are easy to throw.  No rookies in the first game for the first time in Catahoula/Franklin history.  Cathleen was able to play on one knee.  Black Marino shows up early to games now.  There was a Matty sighting!

The Bad
Collar.  Now 0-2 after losing to the Zoo.  I heard some of the players are transferring to the Bad Touch because they have a better outlook this season.

The Ugly
Two straight Aprils with me on the DL.  Next thing you know, I'm going to be playing bingo across from Commissioner Ron....and Ed....and Tina.  She's old too.


Game 2
Beat the Fighting Buddies 10-4.  Yes we only scored 10.  No we don't care.  Defense was good.  Played a bunch of rookies to varying degrees of success.  Took extra bases, which I guess we needed.  Essentially won the game on a weak ground ball hit to Buddy.  I hit that weak ground ball so I guess I'm the hero.  Certainly not the next 4 hitters who hit doubles.  It was all me. Magnitude made Nick make an error.  I threw a guy out at the plate, technically, for the first time in a long time.  Malloy showed up late as usual.   Ed pitched 4 innings of 1 run ball.  Pat pitched 3 innings of 3 run ball.  Crafty veterans.  McCormick got terrified on a throw.  Jackie played despite 3 fractured femurs.  CRoon made her triumphant return to the CCSL.  Timmeh tried to make an error and failed.  Derm told me 11 times he got a new bat.  The Pencil played a scrimmage and didn't come over to say hi.  Our team got Gabored.  Mickey went 3-3 or something, I wasn't paying attention.  Chandra pitched a great game.  Matty made his second straight game.  A personal best!  Dick played angry.  2-0!  Play the Fart next week along with a presumed forfeit.  Yay Sports!

The good
Us, defense, my back.  Adam's sarcasm.  2-0.  Pop pop!  Slender.

The bad
Not much, fun game, everybody got to play.

The ugly
Nick.  Words fail me.  So shut up.

Alright, I promise better, funnier stuff to come.  Like Buddy's face.  And Ford's vagina.

Week 1 lines. Sponsored by the Praying Mantis and Memorial Nick.

Monday

Fart Museum +5 at South Philly Ogres  o/u  18  me
Fart Museum +6 at South Philly Ogres   o/u  22 PM
Fart Museum +2 at Ogres MN

Mickies at the Pickies  Pick 'em!!!!!   o/u 30  me
Mickies+5 at the Pickies  o/u 26 PM
Mickies at the Pickies+2 MN

TGI Fridays+ 15 at Fighting Joeys  o/u 26  me
TGI Fridays +10  at Fighting Joeys o/u 18 PM
TGIF+8 at Fighting Joeys MN


Tuesday

Mickies+13 at the Hatin' Whiskeys  o/u  32 me

Mickies+10 at the Hatin' Whiskeys  o/u  18 PM
Mickies+12 at the Hatin' Whiskeys MN

CCSL Game of the Week!

Collar+4 at 6-time champs  22 me
Collar at 6-time champs+2  14 PM (Way off her gourd)

Zoo+8 at the Embalmed 28 me

Zoo+6 at the Embalmed  22  PM
Zoo+5 at the Embalmed MN

One Week

Well, has this been a long time coming?  One week away.  So much to discuss, so little space, so little gin, so little Russ.  First of all, Flynn learned how to photoshop.  Took a picture of me and put it on his mom's prom picture.  That's just rude.

There's only one fair way to preview this season, which I'm tha-rilled about.  And that's to do it team by team.  With pictures, racist and sexist references, and naked pictures of Tina....and Derm....together.   Is shingles sexually transmitted?  I know the answer, do you?  And while you're picturing that pair, I'll pause 20 seconds for nausea and vomiting.

The Franklin Institute
Oh the whelps.  There has been a lot of offseason talk about trades.  Most involve Maureen, Ed,

Mickey, a pile of wet naps, 5 get out of mouth-kissing free cards, Phyllis' training bra leaf pressings,  and a pack of Magnum Trojans.  Buddy bought a house...they moved in in February.   It already smells like farts, failure, and that odd smell of toe fungus and dead porcupines.  Wiggs lives in the basement. 
Let's flush this team out some more.  Still terrible.  But....wait, no but.  This is a 2-win team. 2-16.  But let's make fun of some people.  Mickey will still look longingly at what might have been (either Catahoula or Pam, depends on your take).  Malloy will still flock to anything with a shot and a cross.  Magnitude will "pop pop" all the way to a .350 OBP.  Buddy and Wiggs will finally consummate, ending poorly with Wiggs getting a "hair job."  Candy will still get 3/4 length sleeves that look like ass lice.  Barb will like me more and more despite my honky-ness.  Brett Favre will continue to send naked pics to Nick.  Deb will act like I don't know her.  And they'll score 5 runs a game and celebrate like they just got Sega Dreamcast.  Pop Pop! 2-16

The Bad Touch/Some fucking place I've never heard of
The Bad Touch merged with some team to form a super some team that will still finish 3-15 and lead the league in onfield arguments.  Catahoula will be 2nd, Benson will be 3rd.  Seriously, I know 5 people on this team and yet 12 members have a picture of me on their dartboards.  Those pictures have no holes in them of course, which is why they will be 3-15.

Constitution Pickles
Twatwer's a nice guy.  No seriously, I know what the tabloids say, but that goat was asking for that half 'n' half.  And then there's Pickle.  Who doesn't want to be called Pickle.  Which, of course, means that he'll never not be called Pickle.  Apparently he got married.  Who knows, it wasn't on this blog so it's not real.  Old Cucumbers are weird.  And, I'm excited to say, Nick's nemesis is on this team.  Don't know his name, but he robbed Vee of an HR and hit a bomb over an aging Vee to seal the 10-1 loss.  Better believe there'll be a spotlight on him this year.  If no one tells me who he is, then you get another pedestrian blog post about Ray.  And it'll be your fault.  Record 3-15.

The Zoo

Well, CO abstained on the Phyllinitiative to add 5 games to the schedule.  That's about it.  They keep it lock and key in the offseason ever since Pony Tail Ken died of auto-erotic asphyxiation.  Nick was there.  His last words were, "shut up Teller."  Also they have a guy named Adam.  He plays short.  He's nice.  I'm sure he was cut.  Record:  8-10.


Fleisher Fart Fuseum
Nikki and Joe got married!  Congrats!  Guess who's a citizen????  No, not Tina, she's dead.  Seriously, if this league came down to being crazy, breaking arms and rakework, this team would be #1 every year.  Or, if you get hit in the boobs you win!  No wonder Phyllis proposed this rule at the meeting.  Makes sense.  Moving on, Joey has a beard and is crazy, but Johanna told me not to write that so I won't.  I don't want her to get slapped.  Tina found a castle in Edinburgh to haunt.  Nikki has a Merle from Walking Dead arm complete with knife and anti-Ed rape whistle.  That's how we roll in the 'pines....with government subsidies and rotten maize.  Joe G got a pool-skimmer for his birthday.  By got, I mean found.  Ooooh, I almost forgot.  Blog favorite Kyle Jacobs defected to the Fleisher to "be with his cousin."  When asked for a comment about such a betrayal, Fart Museum Captain Ray said, "I didn't know that kind of love was legal in this state."  Seriously, nobody has any idea why any of this happened.  9-9.

Fart Museum
This team has lost so many people over the years, you won't if Ray has a Walmsly necklace made out of ex-player's eyelids.  There has to be a reason so many players are fleeing en masse?  Oh, right, the Darkness....and adult SIDS  which I guess could be acronymed as AIDS?  Bizarre.  Can't be Kyle anymore, that van has sailed.   You can find him at a musical put on by Joe G called Guantanamara or some shit.  Rice has another major injury to a muscle he wasn't born with.  I know I speak for Peter Griffin, Rice, when I say, "who the hell cares?"  Put Whiskey Frank at short like you always do when you're a pussy or have Phyllis driver's ed.  Whatever.  I still think Ray wills this team to an over .500 record, but maybe I'm a sucker.  Who's in the outfield now to tell Khaleef to play super deep and hit the ball as soft as possible.  This isn't the same team.  Where in Allah's name is Bearded Jeans Guy?  At least Barb still runs 20 miles pregame.  She's the shit.  Ask Ford.  Record 11-7.

The Bishops Collar

Phyllis, boobs.  Check.  La Nice, boobs. Check.  Collach, crazy, bad at Mortal Kombat, check.  Abt?  Gone.  Jake?  gone.  Robbie?  Still there, batting 7th this year due to too many kids and too nice of a wife.  Can't have it.  Donnie Money, gone.  Doug, gone.  Bandana Frank?  Gone.  CHOP Gone.  Who the hell is on this team anymore.  Apparently, they've added Christian Steve and some other people that won't make them better.  2nd place last year, but a lot of losses this year.  And unless Denise comes back and starts thumbing-out eyes, there are a lot of question marks.  Can Fineman be less terrible?  Can Walmsly avoid prosecution?  Can Collach jump a larger fire?  Can Elia wrestle playing time away from Carolyn?  Can La Nice sleep with a guy without digesting his body from the outside?  So many questions.  Record 11-7.

Pen and Pencil Show Me Yours Club
Well, they lost Marcus, we think, who the hell knows, could change by the end of this drink.  That's a big loss to a playoff team.  This team is really hoping that flu season goes later and 8 roster spots open up.  They need an influx of something other than Viagra or Lynch.  Ha ha, yo, have you tried this dick risin' pill?  The zebras at the zoo were so surprised!  My man!  No, it's not weird, they were drugged.  Nevins is reading this right now, "he's all over the place.  I don't get any of these references.  Who's Phyllis?"  Well said.  What else?  Rubin hates the gays.  Like Walmsly hates.  Russ is excited about walking through the halls of Pencil U not worried about Marcus giving him an atomic wedgie.  Brennan still won't buy beer for the year.  Yasenko is pissed about gettting beaten by Iron Man at Monaco.  McElroy still takes photos with a camera that's not turned on.  This is a bizarre team.  My prediction is Ford's mass murder suicide happens at Hoagiefest.  6-12  funeral pyres.  Record  12-6.

The South Philly Al Room
Benson is the new acting coach after a team-long "not-it" where everyone except Elmer said they didn't want to coach.  Lot of love on that team. It's like a hug, wrapped in bacon, covered in warm toast, smothered in fresh-out-of-the-dryer-towels and then raped by Kyle.   No new additions, same team.  Al will make half the games, Benson will pull a zen-master Jeremy and will this team to the playoffs.  Too much talent on the roster, despite the in house fighting.  Fishtown Benson will show up for 3 games and swear he was there for all of them.  They'll add players and then cut them.  Massive Headwound Aaron will show up without his helmet, run into Pam's dog, and be out 20 months.  Carol will be nice to be 20% of the time.  Swede will try to put any of his eight children into right field. Joe K will fight Al for the right to wear a gay visor.  Record 16-2.

Catahoula Champions
Yes, I know, it's pretentious.  But it's my blog, I've been writing for an hour, and we are......Nick?   
6-time champs!  Boom.  Nothing else needed. Nick would have us 18-0, I'll be conservative.
Record 17-1.  Pop Pop!

Finals baby!!!!!

Wow wow wow wow!  So much to get to.  First of all, the Tap Room lost a heartbreaker to the Collar 13-8 or something.  That is awesome, hilarious, and awesome.  Awesomely hilarious.  My favorite part of it was that it was like a 45 minute game and we found out about the outcome in like the 4^th inning of our game.  All because The Blogfather^TM  was “old manning” at 35 mph on the left lane of the highway with his turn signal on and we had to start late.  Irregardless, the Catahoula Refugees go to the finals of the CCSL for the first time in team history.  Coach Nick takes a rookie team with no playoff experience to the finals and we’ll have to see whether the experience of the Collar wins out over the youth of the Refugees.  Either way it’ll be fun!  Yay sports fun shots!

Edgely 8, Monday July 30^th.  Collar at the MF’ing Refugees.  Everyone who reads this rag should attend.  The Blogfather^TM will be umping and will be sandy from his Saturday 8 a.m. game.  On to the recap.

So, we played the Fart Machine for the 4^th straight year in the playoffs (oh, that’s right, we have never been to the playoffs before because Buddy asked for the records).  Irregardless, we won this game 17-10 or something, and it was really close for 4 innings, then not close.  That’s how it goes.  The score was 6-4 after the 4^th inning on a lack of offensive spark by the Fugees and some calls that did not go our way.  The game tilted in our favor early due to two uncharacteristic misplays by the Farts which I’ll get to.  The first inning saw the Fart not score as Whiskey Frank ended it on a Timberly catch (3^rd career) with a runner at second.  The Refugees scored a big fat 3 runs on a Matty single, me single, Nick sac fly, and Cousins seeing-eye single that hopped over the Darkness’s glove.  The third run scored on a Danielle base knock.  The Fart scored 1 in the 2^nd to cut it to 3-1 then a couple of things happened.  What should have stayed 3-1 ended up 6-1 after an inning ending force out to second when past new female secondbasegirl for the Fart.  I’m guessing nerves and the stress of the situation.  That allowed me to come up with a run in 2 on and 2 outs.  Here, instead of singling through the right side with the outfield playing me Ogredepth, I crushed a ball to right center directly to the shift.  Instead of running the ball out like a veteran of the playoffs should, I threw the bat down in disgust and walked to first, thinking I had ended the inning.  The ball was misplayed by the Pirate outfielder and I ended up on 3^rd instead of scoring…which I did not do that inning.  Could have cost us.  Would have put us up 7-1 and that could have been the game.  Dumb.  However, we did cash 3 runs in when we should have had none.  Zing!  Then it got interesting.  A couple of calls went the Fart’s way and they tightened the score to 6-4 as we failed to score in the next two innings.  Stressful.  Then Renardo showed up….eventually, and as any Black Marino does, started off the 5^th with a single, followed by and Adam single, then my single, then Nick’s single, then Cousin’s single, then Pete’s single……First 7 hitters in the inning scored.  13-4.  And that was the game.  Frank double fisted whiskey bottles, Ray threw his glove, Rice punched the secondbase girl then sat in the back seat of Andrea’s car waiting to be driven home, Darryl showed up and asked Ray why he didn’t play, Kaleef had open back surgery, Kyle stabbed 4 people then wrote a play about it, the Darkness  well, that’s another story, Bearded Jeans Guy shaved put on some Khakis and got a real job hippie!, The Blogfather^TM started drinking, and the team celebrated a playoff win.  First in team history.  Yay sports go team win!  Gotta hit better overall on Monday and shore up some communication on relays and throwing to bases.  Other than that, great win team!

Quotes from the Playoff Wins!

Dammit!

Ray

Why the hell am I in right field?

Benson

Rice just got an FUI, fielding under the influence

This space is for friends and relatives of the team, Buddy.  Go to your practice.

Why isn’t Nick in your starting outfield?    kyle

He is, he’s Ben G.    me

That’s still funny to me.  Rice

I have THE BEST story for you guys

Mickey

I’m gonna end this game with a seed right back at the pitcher

Camel

Pop Pop!

Magnitude, somewhere

I was in rehab for the Yips

Cousins

I can’t play this week cause I had my knees broken.

Skinner

This was the Pencil’s year!  How did it go so badly?  Oh, yeah, Nevins made 3 games.

Blogfather^TM

We gonna get so drunk after our games next week

Collach

What’s the weather forecast for Monday?

Flynn

I never have any quotes in these things but I’m still in lesbians with Matty.

Adam

Why am I not in the finals?

Whiskey Frank, said in a Nic Cage voice that sounds like drunk hooked on phonics

They were definitely pow today.

Phyllis

I want to stab Nick in the face.

Ray, Kyle, Rice, throw a rock

Nobody on the Refugees was small enough for me to headlock

Darkness

And the Playoffs Continue

And the playoffs continue.  Despite a little bit of rain last night, both games were able to be played despite Benson driving to Edgely to inform all teams that they were not playing because of the rain.

So let’s see what happened, shall we?  How were my predictions.  Let’s start with the Collar/Pencil game.  I was able to watch parts of this game from my own game on Edgely 7 (worst field ever) and it appeared like it was a Collar blowout.  Actually, the game was much closer and the Collar won 14-6.  I picked them at 18-8 so I was pretty close.  But, as we know, close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, Little League umpiring, moneyshots, and Kyle’s restraining orders.  The game was apparently closer than the score dictated and the Pencil was missing both Nevins and Marcus.  This made for a very sad Panda/Blogather.  Would have been interesting to see how the game would have played out with them.  The Collar was also missing Flynn who was still exhausted from his Flynntastic Weekend.  Congratulations buddy!  Hope nobody threw rice at your wedding because as we all know, rice attracts birds, and the natural predator of these birds is a roving torrential lightning storm.  Hope you were careful and your tuxedo was made out of rubber.

The second game was the Fart/Zoo game.  This is currently the most bitterest rivalry in all of the CCSL and also led the league in most 300 word narratives concerning onfield behavior.  Unfortunately for us, but fortunately for those involved, neither scenario I depicted yesterday occurred, no one was maimed, and the Fart won 31-6 or something gross.  A lot of bitter sentiment in that game and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to giggle at it.  See Whiskey Frank’s blog for all the saucy details.   I’m hoping there’s at least 5 paragraphs about Pickle’s umpiring. 

So for today, we have the defending asshole/champs hosting the Collar and we are heavily rooting for the Collar.  And the league favorite defenders of the free world and onfield champale drinking Refugees host the Fighting Rays.  And we get Edgely 8.  Cause we’re cool.  Let’s do the Collar at the Supernintendo Alvin and the Ball Taps first.  This game is on Dairy 2 I believe.  Enjoy the sun fellas and chickies.  Aside from us, the Collar is the only other team that gives the Ball Tap headaches.  If they can score a couple of runs early and then tack on, they have a chance to get the crazy out of the Ball Tap and win the game.  If it’s close, I give the edge to the Collar.  The Collar’s defense is improved from last year and the offense is coming around (Mikey D had 2 homers yesterday….and a thick porn moustache!)  Realistically, I think the Champs pull this out by 5, 16-11.  Benson yells at the umpire, who’s like Mickey or something, Al hurts all 1 of his hamstrings and somewhere Blonde Benson claps out loud to himself while streaming the game on ESPN 3.  Sorry Phyllis, prove me wrong.  Pow!

Now our game.  Which is the CCSL game of the week cause I want it to be and I get to decide these things.  We host the Fart Machine on Edgely 8.  I make us the favorite but not a heavy favorite.  I make us a 7 point fav and say we win 19-12.  Very similar to our last score.  All hands are on deck for the Refugees including Vellia, who’s flying in expecting to play, but will be summarily removed from the lineup before the game when Ray notices that he has played in 0 sanctioned CCSL games this year.  He’s already begun writing the requisite 300 word narrative.  But, this is a playoff game with competitive juices flowing and any team that puts up 31 in the playoffs should be taken seriously…even if they have Kyle…and Rice.  Kyle Rice sounds like the name of a porn star…..clearly one with AIDS.  I’m a microbiologist, I can make those jokes.  Here’s your starting 9 fielders, though the lineup is missing Derm which is a good thing or at least a less drunk thing.  And to quote Nevins, “when you hit the ball to Derm, hilarity ensues.”  True words.  Rich and compelling.  Outfield is Pete, Ben G., Matty, and Renardo left to right.  Verne, myself, TJ Cousins, and Cathleen infield.  Danielle behind the plate, and the old crusty veteran on the mound.  No big surprises.  Nothing that we haven’t played with all year.  A solid, ruggedly handsome lineup except for Cousins who looks like a highway motel bathmat.  19 runs should be a breeze for this team.  Then, after it’s over, we get to watch a Darkness, Kyle, Whiskey Frank, Ray deathmatch for who gets to make the lineups next year.  Popcorn and sangria will be provided by the CCSL League Home.  And yes, Timberly, you will play tonight, I haven’t forgotten you.  Ugh, these marinos are so freakin’ needy.

Everyone have fun tonight!  Nazi Pell may be in attendance.  Who the hell knows though, she’s a Nazi.

Playoff Preview Penis

The extra penis is for alliteration....and it will make Phyllis "pee her pants."  These pants will then be on sale through the CCSL league office for $18.99.

Well my blogfather told me that my blog sucked, which we all knew, then he made me cut a blogswitch and took me behind the blogbarn to be blogflogged till my buttcheeks were blog red.  Blog.  So instead of masturbating, playing some playstation, and going to bed in a different room than my wife, I'm up writing this crap. Also, I just saw Batman.....and loved it!  More on that in a minute.  Anyway, next week (i.e. tomorrow) is the start of the playoffs and will feature the league's first expanded playoff systems, dubbed the Oberlins. before the normal format can begin.

Here's a look ahead with predictions.

Game 1.  Zoo versus the Fart Machine

Wow, first of all, I'm obviously biased in this game but don't really know which way.  I have several good friends on the Fart Machine and I know Rice so I don't know if I'm rooting for them to win or lose.  Oh, wait, yeah, it has to be lose.  I was asked earlier what would happen if the Fighting Oberlins won.  Here are the two scenarios.

Scenario 1.  Zoo blows out the Fart.  Zoo is away so the Fart Museum hits last.  On the last out, made by Ray of course, a pop up lands in Oberlin's glove in shallow left.  Ray takes the bat and immediately decapitates the Zoo 1st baseman.  Whiskey Frank is coaching first and is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head.  Whilst trying to give Frank a single wall enema, Rice and the Darkness pull Ray off the unconscious Frank.  This is the key point because while touching Ray, the Darkness gets infused with a true taste of what's it's like to be pissed off and turns into the Super Darkness.  He grows 10 feet in size, gets bright red eyes, breathes fire, yet still can't pay for shots at the bar.    He goes off and destory much of downtown Camden and gets a reality sitcom show on Fox.  It gets mild reviews.  Ray gets therapy, Rice goes to bed early, and Oberlin drives to Nick's house to break his legs.

Scenario 2.  Zoo wins in a close game.  Plays much like Scenario 1, except with minor changes.  First, the last hitter in the 7th in this scenario is Kyle because, well, it OBVIOUSLY has to be Kyle.  Kyle ground to the pitcher to end the game.  Upon the out, several things happen:  Kyle begins arguing with everyone else about he actually didn't end the game, that his was a base hit, that you don't know how to play the game and that it was Ray's fault he was not batting in his more natural spot in the order which is some other spot.  Rice immediately dies on the spot due to alcohol underpoisoning, Frank pull out a make shift spear and "Cage in 300's" Oberlin.  The rest of it is the obvious Ray bloodbath much like scenario 1.

But seriously, I would love a Zoo victory, but they have little chance in this.  I don't think it's a blowout, unless Bearded Jeans Guy gets a shave and some Dockers, but the Fart wins and plays us Tuesday.  I pick this game Fart by 7.  15-8


Game 2.  Blogfathers at Collar.

What a difference a week makes.  I made the Collar my pick'em winner against the Pencils last week and they responded by trouncing the Ford by 20 runs.  Silly.  Now I don't know what to think.  Actually, I do.  Collar wins this game.  I'm sorry, Ford, I'm rooting for you guys in your first playoff game in 5 years (better than the Zoo!  First playoff game since I've been alive).  A lot of friends in this game and I generally root for both teams.  I'd like the Pencil to win but I don't really think they can beat the Ball Taps.  I think the Collar can but it doesn't really matter much.

What will happen in this game?  Apparently, Marcus quit.  Sad.  Pencil needs huge contributions by their studs in this.  How can they win?  The Collar have better overall hitters and better defense, in my opinion.  They do not have much in the way of power, however.  Here the Pencil has more.  Abt is the only true power hitter on the Collar while Pencil boasts Nevins, Lynch (2009 version only), 60% of Donlen, 4% Russ, and Miller when fair.  These 5 players will have to score 10 runs so they can win 13-9.  That's just how it is.  Also, the Blogfather needs to play the ENTIRE game even though he'll be sandier than Nick's vagina on vacation in the Sahara.  Sadly, I don't see a Pencil win.  I see a sound Collar win by 10.  18-8.

Game 3.  Which Batman movie was the best?

Tonight's Batman movie was awesome.  But it was not the best.  My wife and I disagreed which of course means that I'm right.  I rank them 2-1-3.  She ranks them 1-3-2 or something, I wasn't listening, I thought she was talking about shoes. Apparently, people did not like the 2nd movie as much which is silly because Heath Ledger should have won the Oscar for it.  Hands down.  It was fantastic.  The first movie was great because it was such a welcome departure from the shitty Total Recall-y world where Seal sings every song and superheroes always wear Sigfriend and Roy ostentatious colors.  Single handedly killed Chris O'Donnell's career.  No wait, Circle of Friends and his acting in general did that.  Bane in the 3rd movie was so much better than expected.  Though it was wildly inaccurate I didn't even care.  And I had to remind myself at the end that I just watched an Anne Hathaway movie.  That's how not terrible she was.  I'd say she was good, but, well, she wasn't.  but she wasn't terrible and deserves the Keanu Reeves acting award...given posthumously. So yeah, 2-1-3 and all were great....just like the Starship Troopers trilogies.

Best Batman villains
Joker
Scarecrow
Bane
300 other ones
Riddler
Poison Ivy
Phyllis
Jared from Subway

Week 14 Picks. POW! (more like bang.)

Monday                                                                                      O/U

Playoff Tune up Game of the Week                                                                          

Sputterin’ Rays at the Winstreak Buddys+8                                                              28

Red Headed Step Child Cut Me a Switch Game of the Week

Bad Touch+14 at the Belmont Tap Room                                                                 26

Tuesday

CCSL Game of the Week

Collar the Pen and Pencil Hair Salon   It’s a Ford ‘em!                                              21

CCSL Grill Game of the Week

1 for their last 2 Franklin+13 at the Refugees                                                            42

Game with no Beef or Playoff importance of the Week

PickleButtPats+11  at the Angry Joeys                                                                      29

Nick’s Anal Bum Covers of the Week

 Sputtering Rays -8 and the under.

Belmont Tap -14 and the under.
Pencil OUTRIGHT!
Refugees -13 and the under.
Angry Joeys -11 and the under. 

The Darkness’ Cotton Candy Capers of the Week

Art and the under.
Tap and the under.
Collar and the under.
Refugees and the under.
Picklebuttpats and the under.

Fart Machine Poo Poo

***I wrote this two weeks ago and didn't get to finish it, cuz, you know, I was gettin' marrified and all.  So just be thankful with what you get.  I'm on a beach, please annoy Nick instead.

Very very VERY delayed recap after our game against our Oberlin-mandated rivals, the Philadelphia Fart Machine.  But, as I’m getting married in 3 days, you can all go fornicate yourselves with an iron stick.  But let’s move on, shall we?  Only 9 Refugees showed up to the contest and that was regrettable.  Almost had to start with the out for only having 8 but Pete showed up just in time to give us the 9 we needed.  Yay!  Where was Cousins?  No Fing idea.  What stupid ass cousin misses a game against his cousin’s cousin’s cousin?  What a pederast!   It’s just dumb.  Dumb like getting married without a Massi prenup.  Dumb like going to Twatwer’s BBQ.  Dumb like showing up to the orgy with a bunch of your buddies two hours early.  Yeah, dumb.  And once again we were without Skinner who was chasing the ponies.  Text from her says she lost 3 beaks.  No idea what that means.

Well, the game was an interesting one to say the least.  Rice showed up 5 innings late after watching 2 hours of Phyllis driving.  He said he can’t get the images out of his head.  A lot of what happened is strange to me.  In the 5^th inning, the Darkness touched me and I didn’t climb out of the bitter barn for a good solid 2 days.  That stuff is powerful.  What set me off was the fact that Rice maliciously and willfully broke my glove.  Sandbox Olympics followed.  Otherwise, the game was a smashing success for team Refugee against the Farts.  19-14 final.  19 runs is solid especially from a depleted 9 man squad.   Everybody had at least 2 hits I think including outfield-assisted doubles for both myself and Nick.  Thank you Fart Machine outfield which did not show up for the game.  Pete made the only 3-6-3 double play I’ve ever been a part of in softball.  It was pretty spectacular.  Cousins did not have the yips because he didn’t show up.  I don’t know where he was but I get an image of the movie Hostel every time I think about it.  The Black Marino was his typical self with a couple of knocks in key situations as was Verne.  Highlight for me was Nick falling down the outfield hill chasing a fly ball.  He looked like a dolphin trying to hump a lantern.  Graceful.  Whiskey Frank realized he can’t hit a ball past me at short.  Ray decided to demote his entire outfield to AA Camden Fart Machine.  Darryl was traded to the Bad Touch for a couple of bases and the Paul Reiser Couplehood book.  Bearded Jeans Guy played a lock down outfield except whenever Ray was nearby.

And we won...to finish our sweep of the rivals.  And we get to play them a third time (likely) for the 4th year in a row.  Terrific.

Week 12 Picks, ba'zing!

Monday
                                                                over/under
CCSL Game of the Week
Ball Taps at Pencils +9                                                  27

Zoo+11 at Refugees                                                      23


Tuesday
CCSL Grill Night!

Bad Touch+8 at Refugees                                            25
Ball Taps at the Counting Favres+16                           31


Nick's Not Enough Bandwidth Disappointments of the Week (12-7)


Ball Tap to cover and the over
Refugees to cover and the over
Refugees to cover with the over
Favres with the points and the under




The Darkness' Tina Liverspot Choices of the Week (4-4)

Darklight on the CCSL Vol 1.

Name:  The Darkness
Occupation:  Bulb Crusher
Wormhole Possibility Meter:  3, Colonic
Number of knees:  1
Least Favorite CCSL team:  Fart Museum
Reason he still has his neck:  hard to gnaw through dark matter
Average bed time:  7:43 EDT
Darkness Witching hour:  7:44 EDT
Herpes:  No sore shall stain thy name!
Way to kill him:  reading lights
Number of CCSL attributable 1st base coaching fights:  75
Dog's name:  Bernie
Original name:  Cerberus, the fire dog of Alpo Gas
Favorite CCSL player:  La Nice, ever since she laid eggs in his esophagus
Claim to fame:  watched all of the series Glee
Secret:  Was asleep for 96% of Glee
Favorite Movie: Sleepwalkers, you can be asleep AND devour people's souls?
If he was a sandwich he would be:  Liverwurst on Rye.....with a splash of pesticide
Multiple choice:   Darkness works on a roof because he
a. needs the money
b. likes to be closer to Zeus
c. has a ladder obsession
d. all of the above
e. its the safest place from Kyle

Goal in life:  To be a pube nurse
Favorite shampoo:  No more brightness Pert
Least Favorite movie:  Dark Crystal, how the fuck does that Mickey-raping Gelfling survive the movie?
Swallows?:  Worlds, suns, moons, heavy doses of man sluice
Best sexual move:  Tie, not getting eating and the 10 o'clock vagina face plant
SAT Maureen Creepiness factor:  6, somewhere between tight shirts Nick and oh my god, what is it eating Elmer
Movie Cameo:  Seen floating in the pool during Caddyshack
Previous comment poop joke hilarity factor:  2, poor
True or False:  is on the Willmarth weight loss plan?
Number of siblings that are redheaded?: 1
Is this the reason we're friends:  duh
True or false:  Nick and the Darkness have done the the upside down dog in the bathtub
Best Quote:  I am the Darkness and ye all shall knell before me.....also, Buddy eats his own farts
Biggest danger to society:  constant episodes of the "green apple splatters"
Reason in the CCSL:  Complicated, something about a faucet
Yellow fever vaccination update:  pending
Hangeron status?"  3 Rices
Reason for not playing professional ball:  tested positive for anal Ron repellent ($34, from the CCSL store)
Seen Phyllis naked?:  No, everyone looks the same in the dark...when you're asleep....and you have Nick's thumb up your anus
Favorite cheese:  dick
Who wins in a Thunderdome, Rice, Darkness, Kyle, and Ray:   Darkness, he falls asleep before the gunstart, Rice gets pulled over for swinging an axe while intoxicated, Kyle impales himself on a spike because he wants to teach it musicals, and Ray flies out softly to left then punches himself to death in the face.....also Steve Bushemi shot him from the balcony
Last book read:  Papa Johns delivery menu
Reason his video game controllers were sticky and never worked:  Chun Li
Best swingset move:  The Underdarkness
Best caption for the picture:  Semen Secret Service

Week 11 picks

Monday                                                                                  Over/Under

Zoo at Touch Me Badly+9                                                                32
FAMtasy Island+15 at Ball Tapless                                                  27
Phitin' Phyllises  at the Angry Pickles+11                                        24

Tuesday

CCSL Game of the Week!
Refugees at the Fart Museum now with 30% more Darkness!+6    27


Phitin' Phyllises at the No Buddy/No Mickey/No Chance+23        34
Pencils at the Pickles+12                                                                 20


Nick's Dirty Laundry Smells of the Week (Season 8-5)


Bad Touch with the points and the under

Tap Room to cover and the over
Collar to cover with the under
Fart with the points and the over
Brett Favres with the points and the under
Pencils to cover with the over

The Darkness's 9:45 Ambion Selections  (Season 1-1)

Bad Touch with the points and the over

Tap Room to cover and the over
Collar to cover with the under
Refugees to cover with the under
Brett Favres with the points and the over
Pencils to cover with the over

Way too late update on pencil and stuff

Well, kids, our 1 game against the Writing Fords is in the books thus concluding the 7 fun games that Oberlin scheduled for us this year.  Don’t read into that too much if you’re on one of the “other” teams like the Art Museum.  It’s not that you’re not fun, it’s just that playing you is like watching Derm shower (which is does every Halloween whether he needs it or not).  So we played the Ford Fairlanes in our one game and it was fun.  Lived up to the hype as it goes.  A lot of shit talking, random strategery, hitless Lynch at bats, and dogs.  Yeah, there were like 80 dogs, all of them small, except for Gabor’s which apparently once carried Perseus to kill Medusa.  That’s an original Clash of the Titans reference, not the remake with the assclown from that 3^rd grade coloring book, Avatar.  The final score was 11-3, but in the 4^th inning it was 4-1.  Close game for much of it.  But as the Blogfather once told me in confidence, the Franklin/Refugees always have that one big inning to put it away.  And we did.  And there was much rejoicing.  There were a couple of regrettable basecoaching calls/blunders that we wish didn’t happen.  Oh well.  This game in no way affected the playoff race. 

We played well overall, a few miscues defensively. And Cousins is still trying to fight through the dreaded yips by throwing the cartboard cutout Derm in the back yard.  The cardboard version is much like the regular version, only soberer and not as wet.    Skinpiece had a hit but spent most of the game keeping Gabor from for the Pencil.  Danielle had a hit as did Taproom Casey.  Black Marino hit a ball through the Blogfather in his “anti-Refugee” defensive alignment in right center field.  Offensively, we were fine.  Adam, playing the role of Gonzo, showed up late and went 0 for the 11 spot which is about right.  Top of the lineup played okay enough to win.  Not an elite showing, but solid enough.

I’ve been kind of awful with the writeups this year and for that I do not apologize.  If you want good writing, go to the Blogfathers.  If you want bad writing, go read Flynns.  I’ll wait for you to come back.

Ready?  Okay, let’s get to making fun of people, something that my ego loves to do.

It was a hilarious week for the CCSL.  As many of you know (and attended, Kyle!), my bachelor party was Friday Saturday, and a little Sunday.  It had a strong CCSL contingency, except for Ron, who thought there would be no food.  It was attended by members from the Pencil, Refugees, Tap room, FAMbees, Fart, Franklin, and Collar.  Pickles, Bad Touch, and Zoo get on it for the next time I have a bachelor party.

Many of the incidents described below are private so please do not share it with Frank’s blog.

Ralph Kiner’s Ridiculous Things that Happened or Didn’t’, I was WAY WAY too drunk

Start with the best, a diminutive member of both FAMtation Island and the ‘pines, decided to smash a bottle on the field during play.  Cleanup took 10 minutes.  Said person was penalized by going home with Joey Fleishoes

Krazy Kyle drove by the field 3 times but didn’t stop in.  This begs the question, why was he driving by the Edgely fields on a Saturday afternoon?  Puzzling.

I got to see Swede two straight days.  I feel like his parole officer.

Taproom Casey showed everyone her rocks

Nick did a fabulous job of organizing the festivities….just ask him

My best friend from college sat alone in the shade for 3 hours on Saturday.  Yes, that’s my old drinking buddy.  People get old.  They have kids, they become pussies.  Soft tender gutless pussies.

Phyllis sent me a blow up doll from the Fiancee’s party in Pellaware.  It had been scissored in half.

The following people fell asleep at 4 and couldn’t make it out to the bar:  Haha My Man, TJ Cousins, Russ, Hitler, the bassist from the Pogues, Pennywise from IT, Joey Fleishoes, Johanna Pines, everyone’s wives, and one of the poker playing dogs from the painting

The Darkness became the Darkness at 11:45 EDT

Ford didn’t show up cause Bonnie doesn’t let him “fraternize with lesser beings.”

I got lickered up good and tight, boi!

Your winners from the “Biggest Ego in the CCSL poll:……a tie for first between SAT Maureen and TJ Cousins.   Benson came in 3^rd.   The League polices itself.  SAT Maureen has promised a 300 word narrative to appeal the decision.

Quotes from the Week

“you look like a fart.”

“I can’t believe I have more ego votes than Nick”

SAT Maureen

“yo boyee! Clock in!”

“Your blog sucks this year.”

“I’m aware”

a bunch of people to me

“You told me to get out of here cause you were gonna ‘slam Alyssa.’”

Yeah, sorry Mickles

“I couldn’t make it to your bachelor party because a bunch of hobbits kept me out until sunrise and I turned to stone.”

Taproom Troll

"Jinkees, this sure sounds like a mystery to me!"

"Shut the fuck up Twatwer!"

"Easy top 3 egos, you, Marcus, Dennis."

Big whiff there, but the irony is delicious

"I miss my softball friends, Nicole!"

Blonde Benson

"Don't worry, honey, I"m sure Ryan will call you a walking nutpunch at some point."

Mrs Blonde Benson

"Watch!  I can lick my own taint."

Derm, and the reason the bachelor party ended a bit early

"We have the permit for Edgely 8, Saturdays at 3."

"Really?  That's weird, Renardo didn't mention anything about it."

Nick and some jagoff

" I need more baseball leagues if I'm ever gonna get drafted at 39."

The original

"I'm hitting a mom!"

Yes you are, buddy

"I've been such a drunk fuck this week, I missed a lot of the good stuff."

me, unfortunately

"A bachelor party!  And I didn't separate my shoulder!"

Spence