Well, kids,
I’m writing this while on valium. And
no, I am not kidding. Valium. The same stuff that prince in Spaceballs was
taking before not porking Daphne Zuniga.
Sad. Just put her on a platter
for Bill Pullman and helped him become president one day. I hate Bill Pullman. Always wish he was Bill Paxton. And seriously, where the hell is Dick Van
Patton these days?
Moving on, last night was a huge win for the Refugees early
in the season without one of the most dynamic, well-spoken, ruggedly
good-looking players in the CCSL. You
all know who I’m talking about. Gonzo. He was missed. Regardless, or irregardless if Nick is
speaking, the Refugees pulled out a squeaker at home against the rival Fart
Museum, 18-16. The official score says
something like 15-13 but our book says 18-16 and I don’t really care one way or
the other since it in no way matters this year.
The box score will be posted, but it was a strange game to watch and
limp around at. The Fart Museum bats
came alive in the first with the help of a few infield miscues to score 4
runs. Should have been more but they let
DK Mode Kyle and Whiskey Frank hit.
The
Refugees rallied back in the bottom of the 1st scoring 2. Then, with no
men on with 2 outs when the Fart Museum outfield showed its muster allowing a
misplayed 2-run HR by newbie Charlie and another run on a mammoth double by newbie Skinner. Six more Refugees came to plate after they had 2 outs
and no one on. That’s how you lose games
kids. The second inning saw 1 run out of
the Rice Farts while the Refugees tacked on another 4 to make it 9-5. These runs came on the back of Nick hitting a
ball just as hard as he would a fat chick on Temple campus in the middle of a
pie-eating contest. Black Marino also
did something in the inning but people didn’t notice because they thought it
was Tim being insensitive.
Neither team
scored in the 3rd inning although
Strawberry-Schwepps-Old-Granddad-Frank had his only hit of the game. The RicecakeFarts rallied back to take the
lead at 10-9, but a quick 3 runs put it at 12-10. 5 runs by the Fart Museum put them ahead, but
the Refugees surged to tie the game after 5 full innings at 15-15. Tense.
Two at bats to go. Fart puts up 1
run out of their 6-7-8 hitters, while Refugees throw up a 3 spot from 5-6-7 on
the strength of a couple of hits and then a bomb by the Drunken Hand Grenade,
Derm. Second HR in 2 games. Silly.
If I didn’t have the book in front of me then I’d certainly blame the
valium. And Derm is hitting over his
weight for the first time since he was an 8-pound sperm that could only swim down. And yes, I can make fat jokes cause I had a
salad today….though it was covered in steak gravy. No runs for the Fart in the 7th
ended by a Red-Whiskey fly out to end the game.
Back and forth game, hope the erratic writing demonstrated how tense and silly this game was to coach 3rd base from. I feel like Ford after he lets 97 year olds and Brennan play instead of him. Yay sports.
Ralph Kiner End of
Game notes.
·
W-t-F totally botched a play at 2nd
base by not paying attention quoting “tie goes to the runner.”
·
Newbie Charlie was 4-4 with a HR and 4 RBIs and
would be player of the week if I knew his name, some of his fears, and had a
picture.
·
Flynn is still a douche
·
Phyllis showed up, not to watch, but to bring
Frank his Schwepps. What a good
ex-social chair
·
New Social Chair Andrea brought a 30 pack of PBR
clearly thinking she was going to a Franklin game…or as it’s known this year,
the “Recess Pick-up Game”
·
Ray threw his glove at the fence.
·
Khaleef walked around the infield with, I don’t
know, Mos Def playing in his ears saying something about Crunking the
Honk. Urban dictionary did not help.
·
Black Marino dropped a ball in right field and
received no criticism. It’s reverse
racism I tell you! If that’s a White
Marino then the “Man” would be all over him.
·
Derm had hits.
Yes. Everyone set their watches.
·
I didn’t play.
I have now watched more innings in this league than played and have
fewer RBIs than Pickle. Time to hang ‘em
up.
·
La Nice did something…I wasn’t there but I did
find a headless corpse of a 13-year old Mexican child covered in Vagisil.
·
Paul showed.
And it was cold so he compromised and wore one sleeve. He also compromised by making one play at
shortstop. He had 47 chances.
 |
| Not just for the Tap Room anymore |
·
Newbie Charlie decided to throw the ball as hard
as he could to Derm. Never ends well,
it’s like sex with a cactus.
·
Newbie Bridget caught admirably telling Ed to go
fornicate himself with an iron stick for trying to cover home over her.
·
Pete is still owed money for Nick’s 2 shirts.
·
Fordo Baggins showed up late after faking a
heart attack at Dairy 4 so Phyllis would give him the Heimlich Bendover
·
Meg showed up and made a nice catch on a
popup. We were all glad it didn’t go to
Paul who is now CMarino’s doppelganger
And on to the quotes!
“Your blog's been pretty pussy lately.”
Kyle
“I can’t believe it! During my
backswing somebody yells, “C’mon Matt Kemp!”
I have no idea who the fuck that is!”
Khaleef, I pissed myself laughing
“That fucker came out of nowhere!”
Rice
“Where’s my money, Nick?”
Pete
"Did we win? I missed a couple of innings."
The Darkness
“Way to have your head in the game, Nick!”
Fordo
“Hi, Ben, my name’s Pam. Why do they call you the Camel?”
“Jesus Christ! I thought that was
the dead bat!”
Frank after flying out to end the game
“Hello, boobs!”
Phyllis later in the shower (You’re welcome, Nevins)
“I’d like to be in the top 5 hitters in the lineup now.”
“Well, people in hell want icewater.”
“Well, people in hell want icewater.”
Derm and Skip
“I don’t want to tell you the plot of ‘Cabin in the Woods’ but I’m a
douche for not waiting to go with you.”
Pete
“I’m Bridget. I don’t know where
this field is.”
“I’m Charlie. I’m 4-4 and throw
the ball as hard as I can.”
“I’m Ryan, I’m doing all these voices in a high pitch voice in my head as
I write this.”
“Pam again, seriously, why do they call you the Camel.”
"Zzzzzzzzzzz."
Darkness, inning 2
“Fucking Kyle.”
Ray
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