Game 3: The Touched Badly

That's a bad touch.

Well kids, another CCSL game win and another game kept with the best bookkeeping in the league.  Me.  Yup, scored the pants off this game.  Would have preferred to play but my DL stint doesn’t end till Monday and then we have to send somebody down to AAA-Camden.  It’ll likely be Tim so he can get the constant playing time that he needs for his development as a 35 year old light-hitting DH.

Irregardless, we won the game 20-5 against the Bad Touch on Edgely 8 and as Whiskey Frank would say, "It's like raping a zebra."  It wasn’t close for much of it, as the Bad Touch is still in rebuilding mode after Frank sold off much of the team in 2008 to pay for his messy divorce.  New management Courtney is doing her best with the available funds, trying to develop from within, and not overspending on overhyped win-now free agents like Elmer or Buddy.  As a whole, we played fine defensively and had 25 hits including 3 homeruns.  Our only issue was our roster as we started the game with 9 because I’m a pussy who can’t stand up, Pete’s a pussy who can’t be trusted with his own daughter, and Matt, Paul, Renardo, Bridget, Burke, and Vellia are M.I.A. pussies.  Even more newbies had to be brought in including Not Ford’s fiancee and Phil “Only My Friends Call Me Pigfucker” McPhil.  Hopefully next week, when we spank the ever-loving sweet crap out of the Franklin, we’ll have a strong showing.  And yes, it will take something really bad for me not to play in that game.  Even if I have to go 0-4 with 4 ground balls to Brett Favre followed by limping around the bases after 4 bad throws from said Brett Favre, I’ll do it!   But that’s next week.  This week, everyone who showed up hit well and Gonzo got his first big boy hits of the year!  Derm went homerless for the first time this year and will hence be demoted to 12^th even if we bat 10.  Moira had her first CCSL hit and her first CCSL RBI.  The ball was thrown into the dugout and signed by the team. Skinner mashed her 4^th double of the year, or something, I’m still drunk.  Nick decided he needs to go 4-5 every game because he’s still in the middle of an epic “self-Gabor.”  Ed also paid for his own drinks at Catahoula afterwards.  Which was bizarre.  Fordo showed up to heckle and ask for more time to pay off his gambling debts for this week.  Ray came to the bar afterwards but he’s still a douche.

My lines for the week were pretty good.

All my picks were on the money including a tight Collar/Zoo battle which ended 11-6 with the Collar unable to cover.   Phyllis took her top off and threw it into the stands afterwards as they pulled out the win in dramatic fashion.  La Nice didn’t come to the bar because she likes to go into torpor after she wakes up every 17 years to feed.  Nevins didn’t show up because he was still telling his wife how great his was in his game on Monday.  And I’m pretty sure Blonde Benson is dead.

Ralph Kiner’s Game Notes

·       Derm ends his HR-streak at 2.  Will never start another one.

·       Nick went 4-5 but only because Gabor was watching

·       Fordo went to all 3 Tuesday games yet tells me I don’t have a life

·       Buddy is pissed wherever he is

·       Adam and Courtney are frustrated that they have to lose badly to a bunch of assholes

·       Verne has been fined $10,000 for mopery

·       Rice has moved to his home in Cambodia to be a paddy tended to by a small family infected with cholera

·       Andrea shirked her social chair duties this week

·       Pete legged out a 2-run homerun up by 13 runs

·       Elia couldn’t make the game because she’s a terrible driver….a fact I informed her of in 2005.

·       This is the 3^rd straight CCSL game with Nick getting beat for a homerun

·       Mickey hates life

·       Timmeh has yet to make an error this year!  0 chances

·       I hate my back 

Quotes from the week

“Alice said I’m not supposed to play till she gets here.”

Pete

“Yo, haha, I’m at the Phillies’ game.  Yo.  Ford’s so pissed.  Haha!”

WTFDYT?

“I scored from 2^nd on a groundball.  Suck it Nevins!”

Fordo

“I have the best 3^rd boob since Total Recall!”

Tina

“Cabin in the Woods is the best damn movie I’ve ever seen!”

Me, followed by anyone else who saw it

“Aw, look at the little Kelleporney!”

Nazi Pell, who wasn’t there and doesn’t know what I’m talking about

“I pretended to come watch Skinner but I can’t stop staring at Derm.”

Gabor

“Who’s Gabor?”

Derm

“Gabor’s a Pam doppelganger.”

Pam

“I wish Ron was commissioner again.”

Ed

“So, let me get this straight again.  Ed, the old guy, paid for his drinks with real money that you saw him get from his own wallet?  Get the fuck out!”

“Can somebody help me poo?  I can’t sit down.”

Me…..also a drunk Derm probably would count too

“I’m a douche who can’t show up to games.”

Paul

“I’m not playing on any team with Tim…..or Moira.”

Matty

“Ice, rest, masturbate.”

Tina

“Pittsburgh Benson.  Brilliant!”

“Call me Hurricane Frank!”

Strawberry Daiquiri Frank at Catahoula

“What happened?  I blacked out!”

Darkness

“Did anyone catch the Big Bang Theory last night?”

Gabor, followed by crickets

“Losing to you is WAY more fun than losing to the Tap Room.”

Pickle

“I fucking hate my fiancee.”

Moira

"I'm a 23 year old rookie who's scared of Robbie."

Fineman